The come back...

Dear Readers,

a lot of months passed before I sit down in front of the white sheet...like I was scared to do it. The white surface attracted me many times but it looked way much better without my thoughts on it.

I have to admit that I have passed through many emotions, through many changes, through a lot of pain, suffer, self regret with some accessories of happiness, satisfaction and passion. I have been thinking about myself as a computer with database instead of brain. Somehow I replaced my soul, my real freedom with the stupid files of life I have received from my childhood and the surrounding area.

For example, I have always been a nomad in my life...changing my location from time to time...running from place to place like this movement will make me feel better, will give me the inner peace I am striving for. Indeed, I've seen a lot of different places in the world but last time I went abroad I realized...a single place, a single person, a single posession can't give you the full happiness. Do you know what? Because it's all temporary...people die, places get ruined, money could be gone, food can be over and so what? One day you are on the peak...then you are so low that you can't even believe you're still alive. I have been trying to define happiness...I asked many people I met on my way and they all pointed material things as a symbol of happiness or a person to make them satisfied. C'mon...we are building our cage on moving sands! The only true meaning of happiness is to connect to your soul, to run with the wolves in your mentality, to find the true relationship with your spirit!

I admit, I have been soo addicted to material things, like shoes, clothes, cars...to my appearance, to people's approval, to people's admiration. And what did I get? Nothing...not that I didn't get what I wanted but I totally ruined my life for some months. I got abused of people, blamed, pointed like a fake person and so on...and why is that? Because I was trying to impress the world, to go here or there just to find myself. But dear readers, you're not living in any country for real! Your soul is endless, borderless...it's everywhere...like the sky, like the air we breathe...

Ok, I lost inertion of writing and I probably sound too crazy to most of you but you know what...I don't really care anymore. Better don't like me for who I am than like me for who I am NOT :)

The right direction...

Dear readers,

I haven't felt like writing recently because I was trying to convince myself in really controversial things. Or to be more specific...I was trying to get out of my character and live the life of a stranger! I have to admit that I have always believed so far that we could be whoever we want and change ourselves as much as we feel it's cool for us. I didn't really think that we must have a basic personality because it seemed to me like a stupid limit.

However, I realized that we were born with certain characters with a purpose. I believe there is a point to be this or that...we come here with some aim, with some vocation...mission if you want, so we have our genes, our personalities in the most propriate way to achieve our goals, to make our lives complete and worthy! Indeed, we can evolve, discover new things, even change our minds but only if we stop loosing ourselves...I think we have to keep up with our direction in life...Of course, we can try, we can push ourselves to extremes, we can ruin our walls but it doesn't mean that we have to forget who we really are! This is the biggest loss in life. And don't tell me you don't know who you are...you may feel attracted to the opposite character, you may think it is ten times better to be this or that but let me tell you something...the person, who posses this personality thinks the same about you for sure! We are just curious creatures and thanks God about it...so it is normal to be attracted by the unknown, to be dazzled by the lights of the others, to notice the small things! This is the core of the progress after all...to be curious, to strive for changes...

So, I respect the whole process of changing but I don't respect the chaos...not anymore...I have been there, you know, like trying to convince myself I am everything I am not. I can play the role but I cannot feel it, I cannot take it like my lifestyle...so, what's the point then? Of course I know who I am, you know who you are too! But we're avoiding ourselves because it will mean to take responsibility for our actions, for our lives...it is way much better to accuse the character you have entered for making you do this or do that! It is like a demon that posses your body...Look how convenient...a demon, someone from outside to take the guilt...And if there are no demons? If there are only bad choices and stupid decisions? If the problem is our fear to be great, to be what we came to this world to be? If we realize this we will have nobody to blame...such a pity! It is so much better to say that you are a victim!

Dear Readers, I have been there few hours ago and I spent some time in self pity, trying to fill the emptyness with partying, smoking, drinking. Trying to be whom I have never been...I didn't feel better! I missed my power, the inner feeling that I am able to do whatever I want. At a certain moment I tried to look for myself in the eyes of the other people. To live for their approval that never came because my attempts were too obvious and it gave them so much pleasure to torture me with disapproval...or maybe I just attracted the wrong energy on my way! In any case we should look for our reflection only in the mirror, and even there it is not sure I will find ourselves. Forget about other people's eyes...they cannot be your mirror! You are not there because you are much more than an image!

I am not saying to tell the world to fuck of...but stop giving yourself away to people who don't deserve even a piece of you! They are just the wrong companion for you!

I am sending kisses to all supporters and specially to a person, who helped me realize that I am loosing myself!

Sleep well dear readers and have fun with who you are!

Beautiful Day...

Dear Readers,

I didn't expect to say that but I think I already enjoy the world...you know, I have been thinking so much, starring at myself, digging inside, looking for the truth! I have to admit that I have been denying for a long time that I am not the bitch I pretend to be! I have been trying to fill my emptyness with adrenaline, with pain, with the behaviour of a victim, with relationships but I discovered that this is not the way! I have the full power to be everything I need and I want to be and the one and only who can stop me is me! I know some of you believe that there is a path, or there is someone to judge you, or there is some rules but I have to tell you that the only rules you should trust on is your own rules! Forget about all the phrases you have heard, forget all about the limits you have been put into...just look inside and say "hello" to the real you!

I needed to try even stupid things, to push myself to extremes as to get back to the truth I have always known...I need nothing, no substances, no people, to enjoy life! Yes, I have to admit and open my heart...I would be happy to find somebody to love, somebody who can be my partner, not just boyfriend or lover but not in the way I was thinking before about this. I don't need this person's energy or sucking his life, or getting all of his attention! I just need to look in the same direction, to share ideas, to share beauty! I am tired of hating the world, of being disappointed, of being sad! I know it is kind of utopia to believe that I will be in the same mood all of the time...I know I can hear a sad song, or remember a beautiful sunset, or whatever and get sad again...get angry that I am not as happy as I believe I should be! However, I am sick of loosing chances just because I have to judge the world, just because I have to accuse people for not making me happy!Just imagine...it's stupid to think that the whole world made a conference to make the decision to make somebody miserable...it's a question of choice...if you will see the light or if you will see the darkness...it all depends on you and nobody else!

Dear Readers, I will leave you to think about happiness this time...don't take yourself too seriously...it doesn't help at all! Kisses to all happy people!

What's behind...

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since my last post. I wish I could say that something wonderful happened but I cannot lie this way…Actually, I can lie but there is no point to do it!

The world is exactly the same as it used to be, maybe I am just a little bit different…

I am still thinking about the beauty and the point of being beautiful…don’t you think it is the most unnecessary thing in this world? What of the fact that everybody say I am beautiful? What of the fact that everybody say I am sexy? What of the fact that everybody think I am extraordinary? What is the benefit of all of this? I feel like I am an entertainer…just giving wonderful time to everybody, giving part and part of myself…thinking that I am having fun, thinking that I can take it, thinking that I enjoy to be temporarily adored…It could be fun but it is painful as well. I used to feel this way since I was a kid…People always coming and going and I always believe it is my fault. I always think that I am not perfect enough and if I have done this or that, everything would be different!

Believe me, dear readers…there is no right way of living…you are always in a mistake, especially when you were born to be different! The destiny of the artist is just to be an entertainer, nothing more. You know…show must go on…my make up maybe fake but I will keep on smiling. Finding the power to create enjoyable reality, finding the power to convince people that everything is okay. If you just think about it you will understand that I am right…there is almost no artist in this world, who has ever been happy! Maybe for a certain moment…maybe for a blink of an eye…but not more than this! To see the details, to be sensitive, to be unusual…it could be a gift, but it is more like a curse! And beauty…it is a curse as well. I have been observing the couples on the street! Do you know what I noticed…if the woman is not beautiful or charming, she has a partner, she is loved, adored, she has received flowers. Otherwise, the woman collects all eyes, even the men in the couples are watching at her but she is alone. Maybe she looks like a model, maybe she is just gorgeous but what is for sure is that she is alone. She walks on the street proud with herself but nobody knows that behind the polite smile, the noble gestures, there is only pain. She will go home, open the door and find the empty place again and again. Maybe sometimes she will go home with somebody, she will spend a week, or some nights with a man, who swears in pure love, who adores her, who promises that he will never leave…But in the end everybody leaves…of course, the beautiful woman will hear that he will never forget her, he will never meet someone like her, she is unique and he is sure that she will be happy…but she has heard this so many times that she cannot even count it anymore. The worst part is that nobody can change this…nobody and nothing! No drugs, no drinking, nothing…she feels the emptiness no matter what! No matter guys, no matter adrenaline, no matter, no matter, no matter!

So, dear readers, beauty has been created to be consumed, to be sucked, to be used and to be forgotten. And perfection…it’s just an illusion because there is no right answer…and there is no right answer because you cannot fit everywhere. You just have your shape, you are designed to be something and no matter how hard you try you cannot change this. You can force yourself, push yourself to extremes but where the hell is the satisfaction? Nowhere!

Anyway…the best thing in this life is that it will come to its end and our souls will keep on their adventures in other shapes and closed in other limits! Indeed, I have been too optimistic when I came to this world, like I have been thinking I can change the whole human kind…but this is me…the only thing I can hope for is that the next time I have to choose my material expression, I won’t be that optimistic but more egoistic!

Have fun today, dear readers! And don’t forget to consume as much beauty as you can!

Family *hits....

Dear Readers,

It's been a long since I wrote here for the last time...I didn't feel much like writing. I would say that I was kind of happy at a certain point and when I am happy it is hard for me to express myself. However, happiness is a subjective matter and sometimes even when I think I am happy I actually have a lot of sad thoughts in my mind...Of course, nobody will be surprised if I share that I am thinking about the masks we are using in our lives...why do I think about this now? The answer could be described with a single word - family! Yes, I am trying to spend some time with the family and I discover that with the years it becomes too difficult for me to handle it! I have heard and I know that according to the human rules and requirements we all have to be friends with our parents. I would say that I respect them but I don't believe that just because somebody is your mother or father he/she is always right and you must like him/her all of the time despite of everything! For example, me and my mother, we are very different like characters and understanding of life...to be honest, I am not totally sure that I would be her friend if she wasn't my mother. I feel in a cage sometimes because I know what she expects and I am always trying to give it to her. I know what she wants to hear, what she wants to see and I feel terribly if I just don't give it to her. Not to mention that she gets very disappointed.

However, I can't help but wondering...okay, why should we satisfy such requirements? Where is the term for unconditional love? Why do our parents think that we should be this or that? What's the point of pretending even at home? My family is actually very conservative sometimes, I mean my mother in particular. She has devoted her life to her children, which is something I could never understand. It is impossible to transfer your life on the lives of your children...it shouldn't be this way...so, every time I spend some more days with the family I feel in alternate reality...I have to forget everything that I am and to turn myself back into the primary school. I wonder if it is the same in every family...I had to make small revolutions for everything, when I wanted something, I had to convince my parents it is the right thing first...I hate to say this but my childhood helped me to learn how to manipulate people and situations. Of course I don't feel this is normal because I am not such kind of person...I hate to play stupid games just to get what I want since I don't want too much and too stupid things...

At a certain moment in my life I was kind of loosing myself into the sea of images I created...I wish I could say that with present date I feel great to be with the family and everything is forgotten but it is not. It is like soap series all of the time! Drama, drama, drama! That is why I think that we must like or dislike people because of their personalities, not their titles. So, if I don't like my mother as a person, why should I pretend I do? I can still respect her for giving me life (although the life wasn't given exactly by her), for growing me up...I can support them but it is not needed to like them, no? Same thing with the rulers for example...long time ago people were obligated to like their kings...or in communism, people were obligated to like the government with no other choice...so, why do we (people) need this? How can I respect or like somebody just because he/she stand on some position in the community or in the family? Yes, he/she may have power but power is temporary...what is up is got to fall and there is no other option...that is why I prefer to decide if I like somebody because of his/her behaviour, attitude, actions. I have known people that I can talk with 24 hours, 7 days per week and they are not part of my family...

Okay, I know this sounds too anarchic but I have been punk rocker before...that is why it is normal to be so attracted by the freedom in all of its shapes!

I am leaving you, dear readers with the great hope that you will spend wonderful time today :)

Common People

Dear Readers,

I spent some days in a really strange mood...pushing myself to all possible extremes...from sorrow to joy, from passion to apathy etc. However, this is not the point at all...In the meantime, I was thinking a lot about all people who crossed my way somehow in the past years (okay, most especially about two of them but it doesn't matter now)!

Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves "common" or "normal"? I was wondering what the hell does this mean?

"People (also common people, commons, rabble, hoi polloi, masses) is the main toiling underprivileged part of the population who determine the group character and preserve its customs from one generation to the next.

The common people does not include or consider the privileged strata of the population, as well as ruling classes, even if the latter do not formally have privileges. The people generally does not include the government."

The description above totally shocked me! "Privileged strata"..."ruling classes"? Can you notice that we are all put into a very small cage since we were kids? Well, my family wasn't this way since my father believed we should go against the rules, succeed in life despite of the community, not with its help and so on. But most of the people grow up with the idea that they are "simple", "nothing much" or just "normal". And what happens next...they start living on a schedule, on a scheme like "going to school -> going to highschool /college/ -> going to university -> marriage -> children /could be at the same time with marriage, or before it, or instead of it...whatever...the main idea is to be with somebody and reproduce yourself/ -> some job -> some apartment -> going to work -> going home -> some parties -> work -> home -> work -> home -> death /like the final act of the performance/. Sounds to me so...boring is not enough...let's say...meaningless! I had the "rare" chance to know a person, who was obsessed of the idea to be "normal". Any look besides the straight direction seemed to him like a betrayal of his own nature...he was so addicted to making money, going to work, socially meeting of friends because "c'mon, they are my friends, I have to", pretending to be serious...I think this person was totally lost in his life. It was like a real torture to be around...like your life is already planned and if you step aside, or look in the wrong direction...you will fall, or ruin his fragile reality!

I am sure that his reality is not stable at all! I think that being "common" is just a mask...a mask that hides the initial fear of changes...like people are kind of addicted to ready models and if somebody try to ruin it, they start acting like drug addicted! But can you imagine...most of us are under the influence of a very dangerous drug...the inertion! I know that sometimes this way of life is used as a protection cage but it is protecting us from what? From living I guess...it all becomes just a survival! No joy, no passion, no new ideas...so, what's the reason to be here if we live like "common" people? Do we have fun? Do we enjoy living? Do we feel great in our bodies?

I have read numerous books regarding how we should speak, how we should act, how we should sit, how we shoud eat...some guide for a proper living...But am I not the only one who knows best what proper living is? I am the ruler of the machine called body and spirit. I should be the one to decide...so, if my laughter sounds not pleasant to somebody, or my voice is too loud or too low, or my eyes are green or brown...then what? I read that if I have annoying laughter, I should work on it...if I don't have good teeth, I should go to a dentist and then to make my apperance to the world! Sorry, but this is ridiculous! I do not deny that we should try to improve ourselves but to do it just because there is some model we have to follow...this one I cannot accept! If I want to do something for myself, only for myself, to feel better, to like myself or something...then I must do it...but if it is because I have to fit to the requirements...thanks, but no thanks! For example...if I try to follow the rules how to act on a private party in my boss' home...I will get crazy! I will look like there is something in my ass...with one word "stuck"! Can you imagine...to think all of the time about "step one: I smile"..."step two: my voice should sound pleasantly", etc. God, I will forget my own name if I have to remember all this! Isn't it better to be yourself...to do what you feel you have to do? Yes, you can embarass yourself by being out of normality but you could also change something in the world or in the people...why not? Maybe we are all here the way we are with a purpose! We are in the proper body, with the proper character to do what we came for...I am sorry but I am sure that we should follow our intuition...not the rules!

For example, as a kid, I have been told that I should be ballet dancer...okay, but I don't feel myself like being able to do it! Forgive me, although my deep respect to this art, it is not my cup of tea...I am just not a performer in this way! So, the rule was: you are small, thin, that is why you must be a ballet dancer! Haha...but if all small and thin, sweet girls become ballet dancers...can you imagine the competition :) Anyway, I mean that we shouldn't be put in any limits! ANY!

I was lucky enough to grow up in some kind of an artistic family. My father has a revolting character and he is always looking for breaks in the system...so, he trained me to look for my own path, no matter how long, difficult and ugly it can look like...I have been always avoiding the highways of life since I was a kid...it's like I am betraying my own originallity and individualism if I go straight way! I know...it's an extreme...but I have found a lot of wonderful things and people on the side roads :)

So, dear readers, think about this! Do you consider yourself "common"? Because if you do...I am sorry to tell you this...but you will stay unsignificant in the rest of your life! You like it this way? Then next time don't try to copy the clothes of the model on the Vogue's cover, or do not try to copy the behaviour of your favourite rock star...! Anyway, if you think that "common" suits you, stop admiring the uncommon ones! And remember...you are original...you don't need to be anybody's copy and you don't really need these walls that everybody are building around you!

Disassociative...

Dear Readers,

Another day started with sun and all accessories of joy...I wonder why I can't feel it the way it looks like! I was getting ready for work and again I saw in the mirror the same person as yesterday! I think I don't know this girl at all...she looks like a fashion icon...she has no face but a mask...no body but advertising campaign...no eyes but sunglasses! She looks like a star but does she feel this way? Maybe a falling star...yes, why not! I can make all dreams come true...all wishes...I am a good saleswoman of realities and hope, so I guess I am a falling star! Use the chance to wish something...it may come true!

I was thinking if I am designed to fit to this world or I should try to make the world fit to me...

Anyway, it's just another day of fake smiles and polite conversations..."May I help you?", "Of course, it will be ready on time!". What a play! Can you imagine what will happen if I let myself out of this cage?

I was digging into my past...something like a painful surgery of what happened...the last time I felt this way was six years ago. It was a hard time for me. I lost everything with a blink of an eye. At the age of 18 I survived my first financial collapse. I put all of the family's savings in my business and I lost all of it! Can you imagine...? Not to mention that all of my friends left me because I seemed to be to serious and too distant while working 24 hours per day as to make the things work! The guy I thought I love also ran away...so, it was a difficult moment...Years later I was grateful for what happened because I believed it made me stronger and more mature! Actually, this event totally changed me! I became cold, really distant, rarely smiling and I was standing against the whole world! I didn't hate the humanity...I hated people...because everybody left when I was suffering...they were there in my moments of happiness, fame, when I was strong! I spent 6 years in acting like a soldier...always the strategy in my mind, always chasing certain way of life, always serious, always strong, always business...nothing else...just my interests and the opportunities...Somebody told me once I am like a machine...

Then...at the moment I wanted to change this, to bring back the joy in my life, when I was opening my eyes for the world, when I wanted to give myself to people, to love them, to trust them...in this moment I got hurt again! I was stupid to believe in promises..."Once you are with me, I will never let you go"..."You're amazing, you know that"..."You're trying to take care of the world, let me take care of you, this is all I want"! Sounds beautiful, no? Or fake? I guess it depends on the point of view...at a certain moment all of this gave me wings, made me think I was wrong to be a bitch..."I am sorry, darling, this is too much!"...this is what happened in the end! So, which is real then? Angel or demon? Hate or love? The line between these terms is too thin, don't you think?

I am sorry, dear readers, suddenly I lost any interest of writing...I don't feel like this is helping me anymore! Maybe I don't need a therapy, maybe I need to get back to what I was and stop trying to change the world...it's too optimistic to be done and I have too much darkness in me, as to be able to fight with it! Or I don't have any desire to fight? Whatever...this happens when you think too much, when you have knowledge, when you are responsible, when you observe, when you can catch the details...and it is not funny at all, believe me!

Anyway, have a nice fake day! I am sure you can also smile without feeling this way...we all have to use our mask as to survive in this strange world, no?

Whatever...?

Dear Readers,

There comes a time for everybody when you question your own mentality...Today is my day! I think I am about to break in pieces...I thought I am fine but I am not...I thought I got over the trauma...I thought I forgot the pain...I was about to declare myself happy! But it's a lie! I am not happy...I needed just one song to realize that I am hurt! I was trying to draw...the result...a red angel with a broken wing! I think I am getting out of my mind, honestly! Such a confusion...like the whole world is in my hands and I have no idea what to do with it!

I was digging deep inside my brain as to find out in the end that I am not healed from the pain...Or maybe I just have this stupid crush on dramas...or the world seems a darker place today! I wonder how is it possible just a song to bring back all memories, to make you feel the same things...Like I am going back to the past all of a sudden! And I needed this because...? Just to realize that I am about to break...that I am playing another role! God, I thought I am controlling the whole thing! I looked in the mirror and I was shocked...this fake expression of a wonderful life (you know: fancy clothes, perfect hair, lipstick, huge smile) is such a delusion! How can I keep on maintaning the same image all of the time? What the hell is going on here...?

Dear readers, I don't think I can keep on writing...I am too messed up...I feel like my heart is a highway with too much traffic on it...It's too noisy, too overloaded, too heavy...too confusing!

Anyway...here are the lyrics of the song that opened my eyes for my real feelings (Do not keep on reading if you have weak nerves)! However, this is what always happen with me...it's like somebody read my thoughts!

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can?t destroy what isn?t there

Deliver me into my fate
If I?m alone I cannot hate
I don?t deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn?t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn?t hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren?t my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself

And I won?t listen to your shame
You ran away, you?re all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don?t ever let me know
If you still care don?t ever let me know

A post about love...or not?

Dear Readers,

to those of You, who believe in Saint Valentine's Day, I wish you to spend the day in the way you consider it as a perfect! Please, do not keep on reading this post if you are optimistic about this date and about love because it is not intended for people like you! Thank you!

So...again...Dear Readers...or Dear Me,

It was kind of inevitable to start thinking about love today...the reason...the whole city is under the wave of hearts, toys, Cupids, roses, etc. It smells like candies and even the light turned to be pink today...No matter how strong you are, you just cannot avoid these annoying thoughts! To be honest, I wasn't thinking about love in common because it is too subjective term. We can love a lot of things and still not celebrating this holiday...we can believe in eternal love or whatever but everyone of us has different sense for this feeling. That is why, I can talk about my own opinion on this matter and only about this.

I have already said what I consider as a true love. This is the base for me...However, when I turn back the time and think about my life so far I realize that I have never been trully in love with anybody! I can say and be 100% sure that I love fashion...you know, I am ready to excuse all of its disadvantages, I cannot survive a single minute without it, I dream about it, think about it all of the time, be ready to die for it even if necessary! So, I have always thought that I should feel the same way about a person, if I ever fall in love. The thing is that it seems impossible to me...On principle I am really diplomatic person, I am always looking for a way to the others and I am always starting the conversation with a smile. I am totally different in a relationship...all of a sudden I feel like my freedom is threatened, like I am in a cage. Being with somebody for me means to let my worst sides out...my revolting sides...as some kind of attempt to keep my privacy, to keep my inner world untouched and unchanged. I push the person to all extremes I can imagine and in the end...I run...as fast as I can! I was thinking about this today...

I reached to the conclusion that I am not the only one to blame about this behaviour! All of the times so far, men fall in love with some of my characters. They choose only one of the numerous Gerganas I have in me...It is normal at some point but the other Gerganas feel neglected and starting to compete to go out, to get revealed...I need to be free to change myself, to push myself to extremes, to try my abilities, my power, to enrich my inner world...Sadly, this behaviour is usually considered as not mature and definitely crazy! I cannot blame the world for rejecting the difference...after all our civilization, our habits are based on inertion. We have reached to those point that it seems there's nothing much to be achieved, no more getting higher. Most of the people prefer to stay on this level and don't move...I don't judge them...I just don't understand this! How could it be possible? How can somebody be satisfied with the current state? And if there is something better out there? Some better reality? If your spirit is as rich as to make everything possible...then what? Will you prefer to stay where you are instead of break your head in a risk?

This is something that I am always trying to show to people! Especially in a relationship where I believe I need to be myself, to show all sides of me...it is sad because I always end up disappointed and disappointment is the worst thing in such situation!

Anyway, dear readers, dear me...I am not much into writing today! I suddenly lost any interest in this subject! It's like I am avoiding it all of my life...

So, have a nice rest of today and keep on smiling...the rest will come on its place anyway!

Boundary...?

Dear Readers,

I've been thinking a lot these days...about totally everything in life...all of a sudden my thoughts just exploded in my mind and I cannot stop it anymore! I have felt there is something that I am missing in my life, something that I cannot see, something I have been avoiding all of the time! Maybe this is the reason to push myself to the edge every single time I can...

Actually, today I was thinking about boundaries, about all restrictions we have. Psychologists define boundary in the following way:

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. (Source: Wikipedia)

Have you ever thought that we are all victims of so many limits in our life...time, flesh, space, rules, laws, other's requirements, family, love, work, our own boundaries? Sounds like we are living in a cage...On principle I know that we form our limits in the childhood as some way to define the world around us, to put some order in the chaos of information...few people remember the freedom of their children's years...when everything was easier and the curiousity was bigger than ever. So, why do we make ourselves prisoners of our own limits on the first place? I don't think that we have been capable enough as to create our vision for the world while we have been kids...it is kind of unserious to claim this! I believe that the only thing we achieve to create at this time is some psychological dramas. For example, I have very demanding father...he has always trained me to act like a boy (no crying, no spoiled reactions, no vanity). The only thing he achieved was to change me for a while and then to wake up my revolting side. I am an artist after all...I cannot be restricted of crying! And like it or not...I am a woman...so I am vein of course! To be honest...I become even more vein with the years just because somebody tried to put me in some limits! The worst part is that with this education I built a lot of walls around me...a lot of "must do", "mustn't do"! With the years I became cold, distant...then all of a sudden I just realized I should question all of what I thought I know about the world.

So, one day, I just woke up and I saw the sun rising in different way...I couldn't help but start thinking...Okay, how could it be possible to see the new day in a new way. If the day starts always the same and the reality is mathematically defined, then I should accept everything in the same way all of the time...Also, have you noticed that some people looks older at the same age as others? Or sometimes the time passes slower or faster...i.e...if the time is a subjective term and we can change our feelings about it...what is reality? Which is real? Or sometimes I think of myself one way...the other day - on the contrary! Not to mention that some people accept the colours as totally different colours than the other people...or even don't recognize it! And what about the term beauty, which is so subjective? I have also observed that if I ask ten people to describe me a dress (for example...but you can replace it with whatever you want to), I will get ten different descriptions. Then...what is the reality I am asking myself again? If the time is subjective, the colours are subjective, the nature is subjective etc...isn't the reality subjective too? This means that we are the one who are responsible for our reality! The only ones who have the right and power to change their life! So, there is no wrong or right then...Maybe we cannot reach our ideal for perfection because we follow too many restrictions, we close ourselves between a lot of walls...starting from our owns...to the walls that the others put around us! In this connection, I trully hate to hear "You mustn't do this!". I usually ask "Why?". You know what I receive as a response...either no answer or "I don't know...you just don't have to do it!". Ah yes...or some messed up explanation that makes no sense at all!

Okay, I know this is too alternate thinking but who cares? I can think whatever I want, right? I guess, dear readers, I sound insane! But I keep on asking...which is normal actually? What is the definition of normality? Who can put me in any limits?

I have to admit that I have my boundaries too (although I hate it) but psychologists would describe it this way:
Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation and are difficult to exploit.

Indeed, I accept world as a flexible reality...everything is possible...I avoid seeing ugliness...I avoid putting myself into limits...maybe this is too dangerous but it is exciting as well! So, what I wanted to say to you is: Just forget about the fucking limits! You can do whatever you want, be whoever you want, see whatever you desire!

Dear readers, please think about it...I know you can be creative...so, put your strenght in something that matters! There is no point to ruin when you can build...to kill when you can give birth...to cause pain when you can cause joy! A question of choice and it's all up to you! Your world is in your hands!

Wishing you sweet dreams and remember...Everything is possible!

From heaven to hell and back again, life is a funny thing. beauty can come from the most strangest of places even the most disgusting places.

Dear Readers,

this is a sad day for me! The world lost one of the most valuable genius in fashion - Alexander McQueen. Maybe for most of you the name means nothing...or almost nothing. However, this person left a very strong legacy in the history of contemporary art (particularly in fashion).

Anyway, it is not the time to give you lessons in costume history and luxurious business. It doesn't matter if you know his name or not. What makes me wonder is why big part of the artists leave this life at a very young age? Remember Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jimmy Hendrix...I can count and count...

Actually, I was thinking today that the sensitivity of the artists is something too dangerous! As much as you can see the world in beautiful colours...it is even more when you can see it painted in black! To notice the details...yes, it could be great...but you notice the bad small things as well...it is like your senses are sharper and you can feel everything harder than the others. Sometimes pain of being misunderstood is really awful...I know that it depends on the personality but come on...it is rare an artist to be that strong. Honestly, I have been on the edge as well but I have never crossed the line. I am not afraid to do it...on the contrary...I can be very brave in my self destruction but I have always thought I haven't given myself this life, so I have no right to take it away...I just have to live it on the maximum. But this is me...

Dear Readers...I am sorry...I cannot think right now, really! Maybe I sound insane but this colleague was very significant for my path as a designer. I have respected him very much and since we possesed the same sense for fashion, I feel really terribly about his loss. I believe the world of fashion would never be the same again!

R.I.P Alexander McQueen!

Stockholm Syndrome

Dear Readers,

It's been a long time (or not that long actually) since I haven't written in here...It is not that I didn't have what to say...maybe trying to be an adult and take responsibilities is the reason to miss sharing with you my thoughts! With three words: Too Much Work!

Anyway, today a strange thought crossed my mind...Okay, I was listening to Blink 182 and suddenly Winamp played The Stockholm Syndrome song. So, it was like a stroke...I couldn't help but start wondering about this strange condition of human's mind. Let me give the definition first:

"In psychology, the Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims" (Source Wikipedia).

You know, I have felt the same way towards people who hurt me. Of course I haven't been a hostage in the common way (Thanks God for that) but I have been psychological hostage in a relationship. There is such a syndrome in our relations, don't you think? For example...you start dating somebody, he/she is gorgeous and kidnaps your heart...then all of a sudden...the things change...he/she starts torturing you with requirements or even worse but you still feel like you owe something to this person. I have noticed that some people accept even disadvantages and attitude they cannot forgive as a weakness in the rest of the humanity...Isn't this strange? Is the chemistry between two people stronger than our respect to ourselves? If so...where is your personal space in this case? Can we call this love...or just addiction...?

Take a look at the symptoms of this syndrome...I am sure you will find something interesting to think about:

• Hostages who develop Stockholm syndrome often view the perpetrator as giving life by simply not taking it. In this sense, the captor becomes the person in control of the captive’s basic needs for survival and the victim’s life itself.( Don't you find it somehow similar to our devotion to people or things from time to time...like this is the only person or thing in the world that can give any meaning to your life)
  

• The hostage endures isolation from other people and has only the captor’s perspective available. Perpetrators routinely keep information about the outside world’s response to their actions from captives to keep them totally dependent(I have observed that some people get isolated from the other world when they "fall in love"...and suddenly they get under the partner's control)

• The hostage taker threatens to kill the victim and gives the perception of having the capability to do so. The captive judges it safer to align with the perpetrator, endure the hardship of captivity, and comply with the captor than to resist and face murder.(Ok, I can't say that in a relationship one of the partners is threatening the other with murder but it is a normal psychological attack when he/she says all of the time "if you do this...I will leave you". Especially if the other side is trully in love...such a great manipulation of energy and feelings...)

• The captive sees the perpetrator as showing some degree of kindness. Kindness serves as the cornerstone of Stockholm syndrome; the condition will not develop unless the captor exhibits it in some form toward the hostage. However, captives often misinterpret a lack of abuse as kindness and may develop feelings of appreciation for this perceived benevolence. If the captor is purely evil and abusive, the hostage will respond with hatred. But, if perpetrators show some kindness, victims will submerge the anger they feel in response to the terror and concentrate on the captors’ “good side” to protect themselves

I was thinking that I have an old crush on dramas and sadness too...of course, I consider myself as some kind of an artist (well, it is too much to be said this way, since I prefer to say: "I am not an artist, I am just having fun")...I have thought during the past years that pain, anger, disappointment are the only things that allow me to create...so, I have been hurting myself in numerous ways without even realizing I am looking for pain. So, in this case I have been a hostage of stupid relationships, stupid addictions (I am not talking about drugs or alcohol, please!)...and for what? Yes, I know...sometimes the disappointment of the current state of the world is what makes an artist express the alternate reality he/she has in his/her mind...(well, this is in the case of the artists only).

But yet, in common...I don't think we should ever excuse somebody's behaviour just because it seems right and we are afraid of not loosing this person...! I guess we should think first if we have ever had this person in any way, or he/she has us!

Psychologists explain the syndrome this way: "this tendency might be the result of employing the strategy evolved by newborn babies to form an emotional attachment to the nearest powerful adult in order to maximize the probability that this adult will enable—at the very least—the survival of the child, if not also prove to be a good parental figure. This syndrome is considered a prime example for the defense mechanism of identification.<sup>"

So, dear readers, I know that now this post sounds too creepy but I have been thinking about this unhealthy way of building a relationships with the other people. I wish we, the human beings, were able to launch constructive relations...you know, based on mutual understanding, mutual interest, equal love...


Okay, I should be working now...I wonder why these thoughts even entered my mind...maybe I should stop reading too much psychological books :)

Well, dear readers, have a nice rest of the day and thank you for loosing some time to read this (I admit) strange post :)</sup>

Bad girl...good girl? Which one is the right choice?

Dear Readers,

I am supposed to be working at the moment but the thoughts are threatening to explode in my still sleeping mind! I spent all night out, trying to break my head (but mostly breaking my heart)...However, my attempts to fill the emptyness got no result! I mean...ok, it is wonderful to take part in a car race, to win, to kick somebody's ass...it's giving you feeling of power and everything but in the end I still felt empty inside.

Anyway, what I was thinking about is the impact of people over our choices in life. On principle I am a good person...I have always been strict and responsible but there are certain people in my life who just make me turn to the other side. It is strange how your broken heart makes you do wild things, make you forget everything (including your principles). I know I have this wild side in my personality but I usually keep it hidden from the world...you know, we have to pretend sometimes to be grown ups :) However, when somebody pushes you to the edge you suddenly realize that all of this shit is enough and you need to run away from what you have been so far. Same with me...you know, I have never smoked in my life (just didn't find it necessary)...now, I am about to start smoking because all of a sudden I find it beautiful and attractive...I have always protected my heart and believed that there is no sex but making love...now, I am throwing myself into empty relationships just to have fun...and soooo on...

You see...there is a very thin line between angel and demon...Now I understand what people mean by "to hell with good intentions". I know that the person, who pushed me so far hasn't meant that but do you see how irresponsible is to give promises without being able to keep them. Hm, I sound like a some kind of judge...no, not at all...I am just thinking about changes and about people's impact over us. I guess I just needed love...or to be more specific...I was looking for a substitute of a certain person that I threated like shit years ago. Now I guess I got what I deserved. But the strange thing is that I have survived numerous crashes in my life (including financial break at the age of 18) and I have never changed myself this way. I have always kept up with the direction...now I am staying on a fucking crossroad, facing a huge choice in my life and I have no idea which one to take...the old one that I know for years or the new one...the wild one...the unpredictable one...

I cannot even recognize myself...just one week ago I knew who I am exactly, then just with a blink of an eye I am totally new...new haircut, new clothing style, drinking, dating...it would be terribly nice to be changed if I didn't still feel the emptyness in my heart. You know, if I even get home and sleep in my bed...I don't feel great in the end of the day...then I switch my mood with the speed of the light and I feel strong again, strong enough to break my heart in pieces with the next stupid relationship...

Dear Readers, I cannot keep on writing because I sound like a person who is out of her mind...which is true by the way! My head is pumping and I see everything in red, so I guess I should try to bring myself back to a normal state of health...(haha, who said this...since I was a kid, I am always this way - on the edge of some sickness, which usually push me to the edge of death). Anyway, in order not to knock on the heaven's doors soon, I think I should leave you now...!

Kisses!

Random thoughts about beauty...

Dear Readers,

I can't help it but share with you what's running through my mind...I am usually not into watching movies (since this action doesn't evolve my imagination)...However, I was feeling kind of alone and since I had to keep the bed at least one day (God, I hate colds soo much), I decided to waste some of my brain cells by tasting part of the contemporary art called cinema.

Fortunately, I found a movie that made me wonder, think...I watched "Gia"...you know the movie for the fashion model Gia Carrangi, who died of AIDS couple of years ago. I cannot say that the movie was a piece of art in the common way but it definitely gave my mind some food for lunch.

So, I was thinking about the destiny of the beautiful people. I guess I should start with a definition of beauty. Hard task, I would say...I believe that beauty is subjective and cannot be put in any traditional limits. Even fashion magazines (that tend to be familiar with the way that community accepts beauty) cannot find only one person to cover all requirements for eternal beauty!

However, there are certain people that posses something...either in their features or their character that makes them attractive...dangerously attractive. I cannot even explain how these people catch the eye of everybody but once you see such person, you know that nothing is going to be the same again. These are the people I want to talk about today...

To be honest, people claim that I am beautiful and attractive...even sexy (which by the way makes me out of my mind...I could never be able to understand what's the reason to be described this way). For me...this is something new and strange since I have never accepted myself as a common beauty. I have been trained to depend on my brain, my intelligence and for a long time I believed that the only thing that attract people in me is my personality...I was so wrong. I know that the first thing people notice is the appearance (although we can learn to see with our inner eyes)...However, I also know that most of the people, although they claim the opposite, don't even appreciate beauty. I can make a difference between the animal desire to posses something attractive and the superior feeling that comes inside your soul when you find somethig beautiful and unique. The first one is followed by lust...the second makes you thank to all natural powers for the wonderful creativity that surrounds us. Of course I am not talking about the way you feel about a painting or a sculpture...

I have noticed so far that beautiful people suffer as much as the others. Take for example this model Gia...I felt so sad about her...a girl with intelligence, a deep soul and everybody accepted her a sex object...as a doll. Such a waste of a spirit! Sadly, such things happen all of the time. And what is the reason...simply people do not want to make an effort to think...to discover what's behind the layers of the beauty...to realize that sometimes beauty comes from the charm...charm comes from the rich inner world...rich inner world is a result of a higher spiritual level etc.

Anyway, another thing that bothers me is the fear...have you noticed how afraid get people in the presence of beautiful creatures... "You are not in my league", "You are too beautiful, what do you find in me?", "I cannot talk to him/her because he/she is beautiful". What the hell is going on right here? "You are not in my legaue"...this is not a football championship! We are just human beings...we posses parts of a common spirit...we are all creators of the reality around us! Why should it be so difficult to find the path to the others...because of fear...vanity...lack of self confidence...You know, we can overcome all of this and stop ruining the beauty around us. Something more...we can even create beauty if we use our minds in a constructive matter!

Dear Readers, I am not trying to judge this world...I am sharing this thoughts because I want to change the perspective, the point of view...and yes, also because I feel alone and sad from time to time. I was about to start writing a journal but I usually use the paper for other more constructive actions...

I am out of my speech now...I just felt like there's nothing much to say, although I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind. I am not very talkative, you know...I prefer to express myself with drawing...

So, dear readers, have a wonderful rest of this Sunday and please let the beauty enlightens your souls...do not just use it for a temporary pleasure!

The Beginning...

Dear Readers,

I don't know you and I guess I would never get to know you at all. However, I realized it is ten thousand times easier to share my inner world with strangers than to get the risk of disappointing the people I know. This is the reason for the existence of this blog.

There comes a time in the life of everyone of us when you reach those point of inflection when you are about to break. The rules don't matter anymore...the walls get ruined...in two words "YOU CHANGE"! I wish I could say that for me this moment was the best one in my life but this would be a terrible lie! Not that I am a honest type of person, not at all. Alternate realities are my profession, my hobby, my way of life.

Anyway, let me introduce myself to you. At the moment I wrote the last sentence I realized how fake it was...How can I introduce myself when I don't know who I am anymore. I guess I should start with the trivia...I am Gergana (at least one thing that I know for sure). I don't care about age because I don't believe I could be measured by numbers. My maturity, my inner world, my soul...these are not subjects that could be described or formed by my age. Something more...my actions, reactions, way of life...this is too personal as to be judged because of the years I have spent in this body on this Earth. So, I am not going to tell you how old I am...Actually, I know I am ancient, my soul is timeless, my spirit is free...the problem is my body, the physical impression of the endless spirit I posses. This stupid, unnecessary limit that I should take care of...

In any case, some day I will present to your kind attention some photos of my physical body but until then I prefer to reveal to you the invisible part of me. Those part that is able to cry, to suffer, to be happy, to create...Speaking of creativity, I have to tell you that this is one of the most significant things for the author of this blog. People usually describe me as creative, crazy and different...not that this is a bad thing but sometimes it is hard to survive the world by being the way I am. To be honest, I would never start this blog if I haven't experienced a pain, so deep that I cannot just hide it deep down inside me as I always do. I believe it is time to let my feelings go and give away all of the pain!

By the way, I have always known that possibly I am a fallen angel...As a kid, I had the strong belief that everybody can fly and do it all of the time. I was convinced that my parents are hiding this ability from me because I am too young to understand it. I didn't believe that they are using cars to go to work...actually...it doesn't matter! I suddenly lost any interest of telling you this story...I am always this way...I shouldn't loose my sense of fun, otherwise I just quit...or I quit because I am afraid!

I am sure some people would accuse me of depressive thoughts but I am really out of my nerves as to care about this! You know what, my readers, I am sick of being helpful, well mannered, good, smiling person. I am sick of hiding my pain, my troubles...I am pointing all of my anger inside me in order to ruin my whole inner world. And why? Because somebody would feel better this way? I wonder why people should hurt other people just to feel better with their own lives? Woudln't be more noble to give our hand to the suffering creatures, to help them get out of the hole instead of putting them back in the shits? It doesn't cost too much...the problem is that it is usually one side process and this is too bothering. Usually communication must be exchanging of energy...but when you don't get anything of a conversation or relationship...then what...you just feel better to hurt the person and get what you need with force? I know it is too optimistic to think that the world could change but the only thing we need is not power...but confidence and even a dose of egoism...Haha, who said this! I am too far from egoism...I am always first line when it is about helping the others. I have such strong vision of how to solve their problems that I usually cannot stop people comming to me and putting their weight on my shoulders...

However, it hurts...it hurts because everybody are taking parts of me with their departure of my life...My heart is like an airport...just serving the needs of the others without getting anything in return! And people always leave...when they get what they need...they just leave...with hearts full of emotions, changed life...a lot of luggage. Some of them never come back because I have been just a connection to their next direction in life, some come back again and again and leave as soon as they find what they were looking for. And my heart has a strong system of action...everything happens on schedule...I have learnt to observe people, find out what they need (and I am speaking about their hidden emotions)...sell them the reality they want and change their lives forever! Do I feel okay about this...sometimes I do...I feel useful. But this feeling is not something that can fill the emptyness when the night is comming and everybody get home to the beloved ones. At this moment the airport closes doors...