Family *hits....

Dear Readers,

It's been a long since I wrote here for the last time...I didn't feel much like writing. I would say that I was kind of happy at a certain point and when I am happy it is hard for me to express myself. However, happiness is a subjective matter and sometimes even when I think I am happy I actually have a lot of sad thoughts in my mind...Of course, nobody will be surprised if I share that I am thinking about the masks we are using in our lives...why do I think about this now? The answer could be described with a single word - family! Yes, I am trying to spend some time with the family and I discover that with the years it becomes too difficult for me to handle it! I have heard and I know that according to the human rules and requirements we all have to be friends with our parents. I would say that I respect them but I don't believe that just because somebody is your mother or father he/she is always right and you must like him/her all of the time despite of everything! For example, me and my mother, we are very different like characters and understanding of life...to be honest, I am not totally sure that I would be her friend if she wasn't my mother. I feel in a cage sometimes because I know what she expects and I am always trying to give it to her. I know what she wants to hear, what she wants to see and I feel terribly if I just don't give it to her. Not to mention that she gets very disappointed.

However, I can't help but wondering...okay, why should we satisfy such requirements? Where is the term for unconditional love? Why do our parents think that we should be this or that? What's the point of pretending even at home? My family is actually very conservative sometimes, I mean my mother in particular. She has devoted her life to her children, which is something I could never understand. It is impossible to transfer your life on the lives of your children...it shouldn't be this way...so, every time I spend some more days with the family I feel in alternate reality...I have to forget everything that I am and to turn myself back into the primary school. I wonder if it is the same in every family...I had to make small revolutions for everything, when I wanted something, I had to convince my parents it is the right thing first...I hate to say this but my childhood helped me to learn how to manipulate people and situations. Of course I don't feel this is normal because I am not such kind of person...I hate to play stupid games just to get what I want since I don't want too much and too stupid things...

At a certain moment in my life I was kind of loosing myself into the sea of images I created...I wish I could say that with present date I feel great to be with the family and everything is forgotten but it is not. It is like soap series all of the time! Drama, drama, drama! That is why I think that we must like or dislike people because of their personalities, not their titles. So, if I don't like my mother as a person, why should I pretend I do? I can still respect her for giving me life (although the life wasn't given exactly by her), for growing me up...I can support them but it is not needed to like them, no? Same thing with the rulers for example...long time ago people were obligated to like their kings...or in communism, people were obligated to like the government with no other choice...so, why do we (people) need this? How can I respect or like somebody just because he/she stand on some position in the community or in the family? Yes, he/she may have power but power is temporary...what is up is got to fall and there is no other option...that is why I prefer to decide if I like somebody because of his/her behaviour, attitude, actions. I have known people that I can talk with 24 hours, 7 days per week and they are not part of my family...

Okay, I know this sounds too anarchic but I have been punk rocker before...that is why it is normal to be so attracted by the freedom in all of its shapes!

I am leaving you, dear readers with the great hope that you will spend wonderful time today :)