The Beginning...

Dear Readers,

I don't know you and I guess I would never get to know you at all. However, I realized it is ten thousand times easier to share my inner world with strangers than to get the risk of disappointing the people I know. This is the reason for the existence of this blog.

There comes a time in the life of everyone of us when you reach those point of inflection when you are about to break. The rules don't matter anymore...the walls get ruined...in two words "YOU CHANGE"! I wish I could say that for me this moment was the best one in my life but this would be a terrible lie! Not that I am a honest type of person, not at all. Alternate realities are my profession, my hobby, my way of life.

Anyway, let me introduce myself to you. At the moment I wrote the last sentence I realized how fake it was...How can I introduce myself when I don't know who I am anymore. I guess I should start with the trivia...I am Gergana (at least one thing that I know for sure). I don't care about age because I don't believe I could be measured by numbers. My maturity, my inner world, my soul...these are not subjects that could be described or formed by my age. Something more...my actions, reactions, way of life...this is too personal as to be judged because of the years I have spent in this body on this Earth. So, I am not going to tell you how old I am...Actually, I know I am ancient, my soul is timeless, my spirit is free...the problem is my body, the physical impression of the endless spirit I posses. This stupid, unnecessary limit that I should take care of...

In any case, some day I will present to your kind attention some photos of my physical body but until then I prefer to reveal to you the invisible part of me. Those part that is able to cry, to suffer, to be happy, to create...Speaking of creativity, I have to tell you that this is one of the most significant things for the author of this blog. People usually describe me as creative, crazy and different...not that this is a bad thing but sometimes it is hard to survive the world by being the way I am. To be honest, I would never start this blog if I haven't experienced a pain, so deep that I cannot just hide it deep down inside me as I always do. I believe it is time to let my feelings go and give away all of the pain!

By the way, I have always known that possibly I am a fallen angel...As a kid, I had the strong belief that everybody can fly and do it all of the time. I was convinced that my parents are hiding this ability from me because I am too young to understand it. I didn't believe that they are using cars to go to work...actually...it doesn't matter! I suddenly lost any interest of telling you this story...I am always this way...I shouldn't loose my sense of fun, otherwise I just quit...or I quit because I am afraid!

I am sure some people would accuse me of depressive thoughts but I am really out of my nerves as to care about this! You know what, my readers, I am sick of being helpful, well mannered, good, smiling person. I am sick of hiding my pain, my troubles...I am pointing all of my anger inside me in order to ruin my whole inner world. And why? Because somebody would feel better this way? I wonder why people should hurt other people just to feel better with their own lives? Woudln't be more noble to give our hand to the suffering creatures, to help them get out of the hole instead of putting them back in the shits? It doesn't cost too much...the problem is that it is usually one side process and this is too bothering. Usually communication must be exchanging of energy...but when you don't get anything of a conversation or relationship...then what...you just feel better to hurt the person and get what you need with force? I know it is too optimistic to think that the world could change but the only thing we need is not power...but confidence and even a dose of egoism...Haha, who said this! I am too far from egoism...I am always first line when it is about helping the others. I have such strong vision of how to solve their problems that I usually cannot stop people comming to me and putting their weight on my shoulders...

However, it hurts...it hurts because everybody are taking parts of me with their departure of my life...My heart is like an airport...just serving the needs of the others without getting anything in return! And people always leave...when they get what they need...they just leave...with hearts full of emotions, changed life...a lot of luggage. Some of them never come back because I have been just a connection to their next direction in life, some come back again and again and leave as soon as they find what they were looking for. And my heart has a strong system of action...everything happens on schedule...I have learnt to observe people, find out what they need (and I am speaking about their hidden emotions)...sell them the reality they want and change their lives forever! Do I feel okay about this...sometimes I do...I feel useful. But this feeling is not something that can fill the emptyness when the night is comming and everybody get home to the beloved ones. At this moment the airport closes doors...