Dear Readers,
today was one of the strangest days in my life...I was again pushing myself to extreme emotions and feelings and I still cannot stop wondering how is it possible somebody to be extremely happy and just some hours later to turn into saddness.
To be honest, I am still trying to find myself into the new situation of my life. From one side, I see so many opportunities in front of me, so much time for myself and my own interests, so many things to do and so many friends to meet that I sometimes wonder what kind of life I was living while being into a relationship. However, from another side, sometimes I miss being part of a couple...you know the touching feeling to do something for somebody, just to see this person's smile, to know that you are not alone and somebody is thinking about you and caring about you, to feel yourself attached to something, not flying around without any purpose or direction.
I used to think that freedom is everything, independance is everything and I tended to believe that it is possible to keep this into a relationship and be happy with yourself and your partner but I started to get too much disappointment and believe that love between man and woman is not something that last forever. Or maybe we must really look for our soulmate...I don't know...I have heard that the opposites are attracting to each other but my life experience and observation claim exactly the contrary. Just think about it...if two different people are into a relationship, they are not looking in the same direction and their ways are too far from each other. So, one of them must be dominant in this case and break the other, change the other, force the other make compromises in order to look in the same direction and have common goal. I am not talking about being attracted by the unknown...yes, I am always attracted by the different, unfamiliar things but if we are speaking about person, then we must be very careful. Are we ready to change for the other? Are we ready to share this unknown world? Are we ready to understand it? Are we looking for somebody to understand us? Many questions we must ask ourselves before stepping into a relationship with the opposite. It's too deep and dark water and we can get lost...or...if we are the dominant and strongest characters...do we want to force somebody to follow us, do we want to change somebody, do we want to share our life with a mask and not with a personality...are we able to compromise in the sake of happiness?
By thinking about this I started to believe that love is more difficult than we can imagine...or maybe love is easy...the first emotion is easy, the attraction is easy...but turning love into relationship is the difficult part. How many of us have met the ideal partner? The one that makes us feel like we are ruling the world and we have wings, the one who gives us the pleasure to be alive and be loved, the one who understand us completely, the one who we understand completely? Maybe nobody has seen this phenomenon...but it would be so beautiful, don't you think?
Well, dear readers, I am tired and I don't feel more like writing...so, I am thinking to try to enjoy single life on the maximum level and wish me luck not to dive into big troubles :)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Life of a single girl...
Dear Readers,
I am glad to be able to sit down and write again, although many people think that having a blog is for stupid, ugly, unsuccessful people, who cannot get laid! Honestly, I don't feel that way because I was on the other side...always partying, always going out with different people, never stay at home, never even think about what I feel.
In the moment I stayed at home for a while (although I am still not too much homey person) I realized that I have used this place just as a wardrobe and there is not even a single part of me here. I felt like a stranger and I felt like I have no place, which is all mine.
But do you know what? It's great to know that although being alone, you're not lonely...No, I am not trying to fool you! I forgot what is it like to read one book from the beginning to the end just for few hours, I forgot what is it like to take long, hot shower, without any hurry and worries, I forgot what is it like to listen the music that you love, without any second thought, I forgot what is it like to dress up, without thinking how somebody else will react! It's great to do all of the stuff for yourself, only yourself! Even this blog is for myself because I know many of you will judge me, or think I am crazy...but...it's wonderful to write down your thoughts sometimes and see where you're going in your mind.
Anyway, so let me tell you more about the life of a single girl...it's not scary at all, on the contrary, it's giving you the chance to get to know yourself, the real you, not the part of a couple. I discovered so many hidden abilities of myself, my head is full of ideas and even my eyes are reflecting my inner fire, that I lost some time ago! Now, I can walk with pride, self confidence and joy of life. I started to notice the little things again...such small things like the street dog, or the sunset, or the beautiful white clouds, or the strange light at 4 o'clock...and I realized that the world is so much more beautiful than we think. Just think about it...all of our surrounding can be beautiful if we open our eyes. According to many scientists, we are the one who create the world around us and I tend to believe them. So, why should we see the ugly or bad things. I read somewhere that for our subconscious the part "no" doesn't exist. There is no "it's not there" or "it is not possible". On subconscious level we can accept only positive expressions or if it is negative the "no" part will be removed. That is why, there is no need to command yourself "Don't cry" because not will be deleted and your command will be "Do cry!". So why should we punish ourselves with negatives...why don't we turn the process to build something instead of ruining it?
Dear readers, I think we people, we are masochists...we love pain because it's easier to be a victim. Just think about it...if you are a victim, everybody will try to help you, to support you and you will not be responsible for anything in your life...but why? Isn't it better to fight for what you want, to use your mind to create instead of ruin...
This is what pass through my single mind and makes me find inner power to create my new beginning. I love such moments of new start...it's so wonderful like you are newborn! So, I advice you to accept the difficulties as a possibility to start again than as some bad hole!
Kisses to all of you and enjoy life...it's beautiful, I swear!
I am glad to be able to sit down and write again, although many people think that having a blog is for stupid, ugly, unsuccessful people, who cannot get laid! Honestly, I don't feel that way because I was on the other side...always partying, always going out with different people, never stay at home, never even think about what I feel.
In the moment I stayed at home for a while (although I am still not too much homey person) I realized that I have used this place just as a wardrobe and there is not even a single part of me here. I felt like a stranger and I felt like I have no place, which is all mine.
But do you know what? It's great to know that although being alone, you're not lonely...No, I am not trying to fool you! I forgot what is it like to read one book from the beginning to the end just for few hours, I forgot what is it like to take long, hot shower, without any hurry and worries, I forgot what is it like to listen the music that you love, without any second thought, I forgot what is it like to dress up, without thinking how somebody else will react! It's great to do all of the stuff for yourself, only yourself! Even this blog is for myself because I know many of you will judge me, or think I am crazy...but...it's wonderful to write down your thoughts sometimes and see where you're going in your mind.
Anyway, so let me tell you more about the life of a single girl...it's not scary at all, on the contrary, it's giving you the chance to get to know yourself, the real you, not the part of a couple. I discovered so many hidden abilities of myself, my head is full of ideas and even my eyes are reflecting my inner fire, that I lost some time ago! Now, I can walk with pride, self confidence and joy of life. I started to notice the little things again...such small things like the street dog, or the sunset, or the beautiful white clouds, or the strange light at 4 o'clock...and I realized that the world is so much more beautiful than we think. Just think about it...all of our surrounding can be beautiful if we open our eyes. According to many scientists, we are the one who create the world around us and I tend to believe them. So, why should we see the ugly or bad things. I read somewhere that for our subconscious the part "no" doesn't exist. There is no "it's not there" or "it is not possible". On subconscious level we can accept only positive expressions or if it is negative the "no" part will be removed. That is why, there is no need to command yourself "Don't cry" because not will be deleted and your command will be "Do cry!". So why should we punish ourselves with negatives...why don't we turn the process to build something instead of ruining it?
Dear readers, I think we people, we are masochists...we love pain because it's easier to be a victim. Just think about it...if you are a victim, everybody will try to help you, to support you and you will not be responsible for anything in your life...but why? Isn't it better to fight for what you want, to use your mind to create instead of ruin...
This is what pass through my single mind and makes me find inner power to create my new beginning. I love such moments of new start...it's so wonderful like you are newborn! So, I advice you to accept the difficulties as a possibility to start again than as some bad hole!
Kisses to all of you and enjoy life...it's beautiful, I swear!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
To the hell and back...
Dear Readers,
it's time to share with you one story...sometimes it is very crazy, sometimes it is very sad but it could help to some of you in some way in your lives.
I started this blog as a scream, scream against loneliness, scream of a confused soul...at the moment I first wrote my thoughts I didn't know who I am anymore and I felt terrible.
Some sudden moments in your life can change you completely or make you loose yourself. Bring you to lower level of mentality and soul. This happened to me and I want to share with you my story as I hope that it could touch your soul and open your eyes.
So, it happened one day in the cold February. I used to be very close with my sister as she was part of my life since I was born. I claimed I am very individual, loving to be alone as I never thought I can loose her and face the reality of being lonely. One day she just felt in love and she left...she went far far away from me and left me with the empty room. I didn't know what to do...I was dreaming about full freedom and independence but once I appeared to be completely alone I didn't know how to handle it. It was painful, in real. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to shout but I couldn't. At the very same time many other changes happened in my life: suicide of a friend, family troubles, breakup...and I was ruined, devastated. I lost control over my life completely!
At this moment I met one men. Since then, I was very closed person, distanced. After long, three years relationship I closed my heart for any datings for six years and when I opened it again, I got hurt, so I was swearing to myself never ever to enter in any kind of relationship. Of course, people are right to say "Never say never" but I realized this too late.
So, I met this men and I quickly started to fall in love with him. So quickly that I didn't even realize what happens. He was the opposite of me in many ways. If I was disciplined, organized and focused, he was on the contrary: a sweetly irresponsible, a little arrogant and too much self confident to keep any arrangement. However, I felt like I need a little fresh air in my settled and organized life, to keep out of focus for a while as I didn't even imagine that this could turn my life upside down.
We started to date, or to quote him "have fun". Honestly, having sex with somebody and talking about personal things is not my idea for having fun but I decided to step aside from what I have thought as normal and cross the borders that I was putting by myself. I was getting addicted to his world step by step because it was new, unknown, charming. I was filling the emptyness that my sister's departure opened in my heart and I didn't feel so lonely when we were together. Slowly, I started to change myself...first it was my wardrobe...from very elegant and classy it became more flirty and frivolous...I started to smoke, started to behave bad to people, to be arrogant a little. I was trying to enter his rhythm, to make him like me because I knew I am too far from the type of girls he got used to. Since then I wasn't fan of clubs too much but I started to go just because he was always busy with something, always unable to spend more than "one fuck" time with me and I was feeling even more lonely. I wanted him to see me as desired woman and realize that I am worthy person and I launched very dangerous game.
It passed one month and he changed his behaviour for a blink of an eye. He stopped calling, stopped communicating...so, I asked him directly what's going on and he spilled the truth into my face. He had something like a girlfriend, who is comming once in two or six months and now she is comming. Can you imagine how betrayed I felt, how used...how pathetic. Even now, my eyes are filling with tears when I remember. I lost any self confidence in this situation. At this moment he was the only one who was filling the emptyness in my heart and now I was loosing this last chance not to be alone. I was liking him, respecting him, and I really wanted to be together and just for some minutes phone call he rejected me and ruined my world. The night before her comming we were in one club, we didn't go together but we were in the same place. I was so desperate and so sad that I strongly didn't even think of what I am doing. On principle, I didn't drink at all because I am scared of throwing up and that night was not an exception. But I felt like I am very very drunk. I danced like a pornstar, I flirted with unknown guy in front of his eyes, I was acting like a real bitch but my heart was suffering. It was totally broken! However, I went back home alone and I cried, I cried so much...I hated myself, I hated him, I hated the whole world, I was so lonely that I wanted to die. This launched my new way of life. I cut my long hair, painted it blonde and I totally changed myself. I never stayed at home, I was everyday visiting bars, clubs, going for a long walks alone...I stopped drawing, I stopped reading, I stopped everything I used to do and used to love. I was so empty and so sad.
One week passed, and he called me...she was gone and he wanted to meet. Of course I was feeling like I am flying and I neglected all the pain. I ran to the meeting with butterflies in my stomach and I was feeling something like happiness. We got back together, of course only having fun. I cannot describe you how pathetic I was feeling to meet this person only in the nights, to hear everytime that he doesn't believe in love, to know that I am nothing else but entertainment. I started to make new friendships, all of them totally unuseful and empty but good for filling the time until the night. When the night was comming, I was again going to his home, or he was comming to mine and for some hours I believed that somebody care for me after all. It took me some months to collect my bravery and admit to him that I love him. I was scared to tell this because I thought he would reject me but I finally said it. The surprise came when he said that he loves me too...so far I was hearing that he likes me and if he believed in love he would even think that he loves me but now he admitted his feelings. And I felt so good, like I am able to fly. Of course our relationship didn't change too much. With this confession I felt myself even more responsible to justify his love. He was telling me many things he doesn't like in me and I was in a hurry to change these things, to be perfect, to make him happy, to give all of myself but to be with him. In the meantime I was loosing myself slowly. I was running from happiness to real sadness and I was feeling like beggar woman who is happy to take some little piece of the real happiness. I completely devoted myself to this relationship. Completely! I saved nothing from myself. Here is the moment to say that I cannot blame this man. I didn't judge right the situation and I threw myself in it without even thinking twice. I was so lonely and so much needed attention, love and recognition that I didn't even think about the consequences.
This self torture continued many months. In the meantime we were for a while far from each other but I was still under the influence of the relationship. I was waiting for his calls, his texts, our skype conversations. I didn't even realize in such a deep hole I am. I was all day spanding in fitness, a little empty and stupid work and waiting for any news from him. If I accidently don't get any news I was devastated and couldn't get up from the bed with months. In the meantime he met his so called girlfriend two times more and I survived horrible weeks of crying, sadness and pain. But I was forgiving again and again because of the fear to loose him. Yes, he was swearing that he is in love for the first time and I tend to believe this but it was bleeding love...hard love...difficult love. I guess he didn't know what to do in this situation, how to react. I was seeing his efforts to be in a relationship but he wasn't ready to get to know me, to understand me, to be my partner. And I was just trying to keep going, to become more and more perfect while putting myself under huge pressure. We started to meet more often, he was thinking of me as of his girlfriend but in every single moment I was feeling insecure. One wrong word, one wrong movement, one wrong decision and I was going to loose him again and be hurt. I didn't even realize that I am already hurting myself completely. I don't want to describe in details but we had many fights. Too much to be true. One time he even threw me away from his home because he wanted to be alone...This night I did very stupid thing...I hurted myself, I cut my hand until bleeding and I was loving the pain so much. I didn't see any meaning of life anymore. I felt too lonely, too miserable, too pathetic, too unuseful. However, in the next morning I called him again, apologized for everything I did and we were back together again. the same night I took drug for the first time in my life and I loved it. We kept on being together as I really wanted to do everything right and make him completely happy. I was trying always to be understanding, giving him his time to play computer games, meet his friends, smoke weed or whatever else he needed in this moment. I tried to be invisible when he is not in the mood, cheerful when he is happy, caring about everything in his life. I devoted myself to his happiness completely and it would be keep going if it wasn't a stupid rumour.
A friend of his friend told to his friend that another friend said he has fucked me. This started unstoppable questioning, lack of trust and even humiliation. No matter how much and hard I was swearing that I haven't cheated on him (as I really didn't) he didn't believe me at all. His friends were right, I was liar and a whore. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I hated myself, I believed I am a whore. In the meantime I went to psychologist and my diagnose was deep depression. I was supposed to take antidepressants and I got shocked. I tended to believe that I am a strong person and such thing cannot happen to me at all. But it was the fact. And how not to be...I was living for the moment of our meeting, making my schedules around it, neglecting friends and family for the sake of our relationship, always feeling guilty and no matter he was with me I was still feeling alone. I didn't have any kind of connection with myself, any! This "whore situation" ruined me completely and I needed something to get back on track again. So, I ran to the treasures of autohypnosis. During such seance I saw myself standing proud and strong again, dark haired (as my real colour) and very happy. On the next day I painted my hair. With the final accords of drying my hair in the salon I looked into the mirror and I saw myself again. The same strenght I used to have, the fire, the self confidence, the pride. In this day I somehow found the power to end this relationship. It costed me so much. I cried a lot, I felt lonely but I can never forget all of the pain...all of the tears...I cannot forget the person I turned into. I was just a doll, empty, blonde, sad doll. In my photos from this time I was looking so sad, so agressive, so different. No sign of my sensitivity, no sign of my creativity, no sign, no sign...
Now, I am getting back on track again and people around me say I am getting better, more energetic, more self confident, more powerful. Of course I cannot pass the fact that my bed is empty, that there is nobody to hug me but what a high price I paid to be loved...? Did I really need that? Was it the way to receive love and attention? How can I forget the loneliness I was feeling in the relationship, the fear, the pressure, the worries?
I cannot judge this man of course, I cannot judge anybody and I cannot blame anybody...Maybe he wasn't ready to show his love, maybe he was confused, maybe he was depressed, maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows...not me for sure...I have my own explanation for such a behaviour but I don't count myself as a victim. Do you know why?
Because nobody can hurt you unless you let them! You are the one who is choosing your way of life, you are the one who is able to create your reality, you are the one who can ruin yourself. You and only you! If you believe you can change people, don't be so sure...maybe a little, just a little but you cannot do it completely and for sure not in your way. So, keep straight on your path and keep on fighting for your happiness. Don't be with someone just because you need someone to love you! You don't need just SOMEONE! Take a doog, and you'll be loved...you don't need just a relationship...but a partnership with this person, friendship, understanding, trust, shoulder to cry on when you're sad.
As to me...now we are friends with this man and I hope as a friends we will be more successful than as a couple. I am trying to put myself together and face my past and get over it. I will not lie to you...it's hard, painful even but time heals everything...e v e r y t h i n g!
So, dear readers, that's the story! Hope it will be useful for you because that is why I am revealing my heart at this moment! Kisses to all of you and just follow your path! It's the best highway!
it's time to share with you one story...sometimes it is very crazy, sometimes it is very sad but it could help to some of you in some way in your lives.
I started this blog as a scream, scream against loneliness, scream of a confused soul...at the moment I first wrote my thoughts I didn't know who I am anymore and I felt terrible.
Some sudden moments in your life can change you completely or make you loose yourself. Bring you to lower level of mentality and soul. This happened to me and I want to share with you my story as I hope that it could touch your soul and open your eyes.
So, it happened one day in the cold February. I used to be very close with my sister as she was part of my life since I was born. I claimed I am very individual, loving to be alone as I never thought I can loose her and face the reality of being lonely. One day she just felt in love and she left...she went far far away from me and left me with the empty room. I didn't know what to do...I was dreaming about full freedom and independence but once I appeared to be completely alone I didn't know how to handle it. It was painful, in real. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to shout but I couldn't. At the very same time many other changes happened in my life: suicide of a friend, family troubles, breakup...and I was ruined, devastated. I lost control over my life completely!
At this moment I met one men. Since then, I was very closed person, distanced. After long, three years relationship I closed my heart for any datings for six years and when I opened it again, I got hurt, so I was swearing to myself never ever to enter in any kind of relationship. Of course, people are right to say "Never say never" but I realized this too late.
So, I met this men and I quickly started to fall in love with him. So quickly that I didn't even realize what happens. He was the opposite of me in many ways. If I was disciplined, organized and focused, he was on the contrary: a sweetly irresponsible, a little arrogant and too much self confident to keep any arrangement. However, I felt like I need a little fresh air in my settled and organized life, to keep out of focus for a while as I didn't even imagine that this could turn my life upside down.
We started to date, or to quote him "have fun". Honestly, having sex with somebody and talking about personal things is not my idea for having fun but I decided to step aside from what I have thought as normal and cross the borders that I was putting by myself. I was getting addicted to his world step by step because it was new, unknown, charming. I was filling the emptyness that my sister's departure opened in my heart and I didn't feel so lonely when we were together. Slowly, I started to change myself...first it was my wardrobe...from very elegant and classy it became more flirty and frivolous...I started to smoke, started to behave bad to people, to be arrogant a little. I was trying to enter his rhythm, to make him like me because I knew I am too far from the type of girls he got used to. Since then I wasn't fan of clubs too much but I started to go just because he was always busy with something, always unable to spend more than "one fuck" time with me and I was feeling even more lonely. I wanted him to see me as desired woman and realize that I am worthy person and I launched very dangerous game.
It passed one month and he changed his behaviour for a blink of an eye. He stopped calling, stopped communicating...so, I asked him directly what's going on and he spilled the truth into my face. He had something like a girlfriend, who is comming once in two or six months and now she is comming. Can you imagine how betrayed I felt, how used...how pathetic. Even now, my eyes are filling with tears when I remember. I lost any self confidence in this situation. At this moment he was the only one who was filling the emptyness in my heart and now I was loosing this last chance not to be alone. I was liking him, respecting him, and I really wanted to be together and just for some minutes phone call he rejected me and ruined my world. The night before her comming we were in one club, we didn't go together but we were in the same place. I was so desperate and so sad that I strongly didn't even think of what I am doing. On principle, I didn't drink at all because I am scared of throwing up and that night was not an exception. But I felt like I am very very drunk. I danced like a pornstar, I flirted with unknown guy in front of his eyes, I was acting like a real bitch but my heart was suffering. It was totally broken! However, I went back home alone and I cried, I cried so much...I hated myself, I hated him, I hated the whole world, I was so lonely that I wanted to die. This launched my new way of life. I cut my long hair, painted it blonde and I totally changed myself. I never stayed at home, I was everyday visiting bars, clubs, going for a long walks alone...I stopped drawing, I stopped reading, I stopped everything I used to do and used to love. I was so empty and so sad.
One week passed, and he called me...she was gone and he wanted to meet. Of course I was feeling like I am flying and I neglected all the pain. I ran to the meeting with butterflies in my stomach and I was feeling something like happiness. We got back together, of course only having fun. I cannot describe you how pathetic I was feeling to meet this person only in the nights, to hear everytime that he doesn't believe in love, to know that I am nothing else but entertainment. I started to make new friendships, all of them totally unuseful and empty but good for filling the time until the night. When the night was comming, I was again going to his home, or he was comming to mine and for some hours I believed that somebody care for me after all. It took me some months to collect my bravery and admit to him that I love him. I was scared to tell this because I thought he would reject me but I finally said it. The surprise came when he said that he loves me too...so far I was hearing that he likes me and if he believed in love he would even think that he loves me but now he admitted his feelings. And I felt so good, like I am able to fly. Of course our relationship didn't change too much. With this confession I felt myself even more responsible to justify his love. He was telling me many things he doesn't like in me and I was in a hurry to change these things, to be perfect, to make him happy, to give all of myself but to be with him. In the meantime I was loosing myself slowly. I was running from happiness to real sadness and I was feeling like beggar woman who is happy to take some little piece of the real happiness. I completely devoted myself to this relationship. Completely! I saved nothing from myself. Here is the moment to say that I cannot blame this man. I didn't judge right the situation and I threw myself in it without even thinking twice. I was so lonely and so much needed attention, love and recognition that I didn't even think about the consequences.
This self torture continued many months. In the meantime we were for a while far from each other but I was still under the influence of the relationship. I was waiting for his calls, his texts, our skype conversations. I didn't even realize in such a deep hole I am. I was all day spanding in fitness, a little empty and stupid work and waiting for any news from him. If I accidently don't get any news I was devastated and couldn't get up from the bed with months. In the meantime he met his so called girlfriend two times more and I survived horrible weeks of crying, sadness and pain. But I was forgiving again and again because of the fear to loose him. Yes, he was swearing that he is in love for the first time and I tend to believe this but it was bleeding love...hard love...difficult love. I guess he didn't know what to do in this situation, how to react. I was seeing his efforts to be in a relationship but he wasn't ready to get to know me, to understand me, to be my partner. And I was just trying to keep going, to become more and more perfect while putting myself under huge pressure. We started to meet more often, he was thinking of me as of his girlfriend but in every single moment I was feeling insecure. One wrong word, one wrong movement, one wrong decision and I was going to loose him again and be hurt. I didn't even realize that I am already hurting myself completely. I don't want to describe in details but we had many fights. Too much to be true. One time he even threw me away from his home because he wanted to be alone...This night I did very stupid thing...I hurted myself, I cut my hand until bleeding and I was loving the pain so much. I didn't see any meaning of life anymore. I felt too lonely, too miserable, too pathetic, too unuseful. However, in the next morning I called him again, apologized for everything I did and we were back together again. the same night I took drug for the first time in my life and I loved it. We kept on being together as I really wanted to do everything right and make him completely happy. I was trying always to be understanding, giving him his time to play computer games, meet his friends, smoke weed or whatever else he needed in this moment. I tried to be invisible when he is not in the mood, cheerful when he is happy, caring about everything in his life. I devoted myself to his happiness completely and it would be keep going if it wasn't a stupid rumour.
A friend of his friend told to his friend that another friend said he has fucked me. This started unstoppable questioning, lack of trust and even humiliation. No matter how much and hard I was swearing that I haven't cheated on him (as I really didn't) he didn't believe me at all. His friends were right, I was liar and a whore. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I hated myself, I believed I am a whore. In the meantime I went to psychologist and my diagnose was deep depression. I was supposed to take antidepressants and I got shocked. I tended to believe that I am a strong person and such thing cannot happen to me at all. But it was the fact. And how not to be...I was living for the moment of our meeting, making my schedules around it, neglecting friends and family for the sake of our relationship, always feeling guilty and no matter he was with me I was still feeling alone. I didn't have any kind of connection with myself, any! This "whore situation" ruined me completely and I needed something to get back on track again. So, I ran to the treasures of autohypnosis. During such seance I saw myself standing proud and strong again, dark haired (as my real colour) and very happy. On the next day I painted my hair. With the final accords of drying my hair in the salon I looked into the mirror and I saw myself again. The same strenght I used to have, the fire, the self confidence, the pride. In this day I somehow found the power to end this relationship. It costed me so much. I cried a lot, I felt lonely but I can never forget all of the pain...all of the tears...I cannot forget the person I turned into. I was just a doll, empty, blonde, sad doll. In my photos from this time I was looking so sad, so agressive, so different. No sign of my sensitivity, no sign of my creativity, no sign, no sign...
Now, I am getting back on track again and people around me say I am getting better, more energetic, more self confident, more powerful. Of course I cannot pass the fact that my bed is empty, that there is nobody to hug me but what a high price I paid to be loved...? Did I really need that? Was it the way to receive love and attention? How can I forget the loneliness I was feeling in the relationship, the fear, the pressure, the worries?
I cannot judge this man of course, I cannot judge anybody and I cannot blame anybody...Maybe he wasn't ready to show his love, maybe he was confused, maybe he was depressed, maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows...not me for sure...I have my own explanation for such a behaviour but I don't count myself as a victim. Do you know why?
Because nobody can hurt you unless you let them! You are the one who is choosing your way of life, you are the one who is able to create your reality, you are the one who can ruin yourself. You and only you! If you believe you can change people, don't be so sure...maybe a little, just a little but you cannot do it completely and for sure not in your way. So, keep straight on your path and keep on fighting for your happiness. Don't be with someone just because you need someone to love you! You don't need just SOMEONE! Take a doog, and you'll be loved...you don't need just a relationship...but a partnership with this person, friendship, understanding, trust, shoulder to cry on when you're sad.
As to me...now we are friends with this man and I hope as a friends we will be more successful than as a couple. I am trying to put myself together and face my past and get over it. I will not lie to you...it's hard, painful even but time heals everything...e v e r y t h i n g!
So, dear readers, that's the story! Hope it will be useful for you because that is why I am revealing my heart at this moment! Kisses to all of you and just follow your path! It's the best highway!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Loneliness...
Dear Readers,
Despite of the pain in my head, I cannot remove the feeling that I must share my thoughts...To be honest, I have been reading my old posts in order to follow up with myself and I couldn't stop thinking about loneliness. You know, the initial reason to start writing this blog at the first place was exactly experiencing of this irritationg emotion...
Loneliness is viewed in three important ways:
1. it results from inadequate levels of social relationships,
2. it is a subjective experience and
3. it is an unpleasant feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude[1]. It has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections[2]. Common terms used to describe loneliness include: pain, lost, nothingness, overwhelming, numb, and afraid[3]
I couldn't believe there are so many ways of describing loneliness...but I must admit that it's strongly subjective experience. I have believed that I need nobody in my life to make me feel complete person but I haven't realised that I have never been lonely. Since I remember I have a sister around and I have never felt the need to get out and start looking for others. Sometimes, I have been in friendships and I enjoyed it but I have always known that all of it is temporary. I cannot explain to you the feeling of misunderstanding. Probably this one is the reason for the existing of loneliness. I cannot even think that bigger number of relationships will make anybody feel better if all of it is just bullshit or based on one-side interest. I have observed many people on my way and I have reached to the conclusion that if you are simple minded, you are better accepted in this world. Many people prefer to share their mental emptiness together but is this mutual understanding or group hiding of the reality? What will it be all about if there is nothing to say anymore? If there is no sharing or moving ahead? No wonder there are many times when people feel lonely in a huge group or at a party...
Dear readers, I have different kind of idea for friendship...I have always accepted it on more spiritual, sensitive level. Being together with somebody but sharing common ideas, common way of life, enriching each other's lives with new brain and soul food, exchanging experience, just being able to cry on somebody's shoulder even for stupid things. There should be any competition, any comparing...In this moment loneliness will disappear because there will be somebody who know you, who can read you...who will want to read you. Otherwise it's just an image of a relationship but not relationship at all...
And what about the loneliness of the ego? Why nobody is talking about it? Of course there is such thing...when people don't get enough attention to praise their ego, they feel lonely...or if they get the wrong kind of attention, or if they miss somebody's attention...this emptiness cannot be filled because it's like a drug...you want more and more and cannot even stop thinking of it. Then nothing can satisfy you except for more and more attention given by many different people. However, it's also not killing the loneliness, even makes it worse...do you know why? Because when you don't feel yourself a complete person, nobody can give you that feeling...it's all up to you...to find the inner peace. Then staying in the empty room won't be disturbing anymore because you will know how to hanfle the experience, you will not miss all of the people because you will have yourself... Loneliness is therefore a subjective experience, if a person thinks they are lonely, then she/he is lonely. (by the way this is one more proof that we're building our worlds).
Another type of loneliness I have observed is self-made loneliness. I have noticed that when somebody gets hurt by many people in different ways, this person is putting the walls around and never, ever let anybody in. Of course, it's just a mask, it's not a cure...but it's self protective method of not being disappointed again. Then the emptiness come again and again and it's a chanted circle...in the same time you want social communication but you cannot have it because you are afraid....it's too sadistic option to take care of yourself but c'mon...sometimes pain is funnier than happiness.
And these are only few examples of loneliness...I can count many many more...missing person and nobody can fill the place; being neglected for your nationality or race or sexual orientation or religion, being thrown away from somebody you love...so much examples to count...
However, doesn't it loneliness such a waste of time? Why, we humans, don't try to find the balance between us...to find the balance with our souls...to find other ways to raise and take care of our ego? Why do we need to suck somebody's energy as to feel good? Why do we need to stare inside of other people, than to find our innerself? Yes, we are group animals but individualism could do miracles for the self confidence...then self confidence can do miracles for people's relationships, because there will be satisfaction of one's needs and there will be no competition or energy sucking or looking for approval.
I am speaking from experience, dear readers...as an artist I really need to pamper my ego in many different ways. I used to do it with food for my soul but somehow I missed people's approval. What did I do? Fucked up the development of my inner world and started to show around, meet people, go out...do you think I felt satisfied? No...not at all! Why? Because I still felt lonely and misunderstood, I was still missing myself, still missing my self confidence because people's approval is subjective and you cannot get it all. I would also say I was disappointed because I knew I could do better things for myself, make myself happy but not on this track...and to neglect what you really adore to do is hurting even more than being lonely.
So, dear readers, before going out to look for social communication, I suggest you to start communicating with yourself...just try to ask yourself what you want, what you like, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what is the best for you and what kind of person you wanna be...then, but just then, you can go out and start looking for soulmates because only then you will not end up hurt...
And one more advice...let it out! Whatever you feel...let it out!
Now sleep like a babies and wake up tomorrow fresh and not lonely! The world is yours, I promise!
Despite of the pain in my head, I cannot remove the feeling that I must share my thoughts...To be honest, I have been reading my old posts in order to follow up with myself and I couldn't stop thinking about loneliness. You know, the initial reason to start writing this blog at the first place was exactly experiencing of this irritationg emotion...
Loneliness is viewed in three important ways:
1. it results from inadequate levels of social relationships,
2. it is a subjective experience and
3. it is an unpleasant feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude[1]. It has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections[2]. Common terms used to describe loneliness include: pain, lost, nothingness, overwhelming, numb, and afraid[3]
I couldn't believe there are so many ways of describing loneliness...but I must admit that it's strongly subjective experience. I have believed that I need nobody in my life to make me feel complete person but I haven't realised that I have never been lonely. Since I remember I have a sister around and I have never felt the need to get out and start looking for others. Sometimes, I have been in friendships and I enjoyed it but I have always known that all of it is temporary. I cannot explain to you the feeling of misunderstanding. Probably this one is the reason for the existing of loneliness. I cannot even think that bigger number of relationships will make anybody feel better if all of it is just bullshit or based on one-side interest. I have observed many people on my way and I have reached to the conclusion that if you are simple minded, you are better accepted in this world. Many people prefer to share their mental emptiness together but is this mutual understanding or group hiding of the reality? What will it be all about if there is nothing to say anymore? If there is no sharing or moving ahead? No wonder there are many times when people feel lonely in a huge group or at a party...
Dear readers, I have different kind of idea for friendship...I have always accepted it on more spiritual, sensitive level. Being together with somebody but sharing common ideas, common way of life, enriching each other's lives with new brain and soul food, exchanging experience, just being able to cry on somebody's shoulder even for stupid things. There should be any competition, any comparing...In this moment loneliness will disappear because there will be somebody who know you, who can read you...who will want to read you. Otherwise it's just an image of a relationship but not relationship at all...
And what about the loneliness of the ego? Why nobody is talking about it? Of course there is such thing...when people don't get enough attention to praise their ego, they feel lonely...or if they get the wrong kind of attention, or if they miss somebody's attention...this emptiness cannot be filled because it's like a drug...you want more and more and cannot even stop thinking of it. Then nothing can satisfy you except for more and more attention given by many different people. However, it's also not killing the loneliness, even makes it worse...do you know why? Because when you don't feel yourself a complete person, nobody can give you that feeling...it's all up to you...to find the inner peace. Then staying in the empty room won't be disturbing anymore because you will know how to hanfle the experience, you will not miss all of the people because you will have yourself... Loneliness is therefore a subjective experience, if a person thinks they are lonely, then she/he is lonely. (by the way this is one more proof that we're building our worlds).
Another type of loneliness I have observed is self-made loneliness. I have noticed that when somebody gets hurt by many people in different ways, this person is putting the walls around and never, ever let anybody in. Of course, it's just a mask, it's not a cure...but it's self protective method of not being disappointed again. Then the emptiness come again and again and it's a chanted circle...in the same time you want social communication but you cannot have it because you are afraid....it's too sadistic option to take care of yourself but c'mon...sometimes pain is funnier than happiness.
And these are only few examples of loneliness...I can count many many more...missing person and nobody can fill the place; being neglected for your nationality or race or sexual orientation or religion, being thrown away from somebody you love...so much examples to count...
However, doesn't it loneliness such a waste of time? Why, we humans, don't try to find the balance between us...to find the balance with our souls...to find other ways to raise and take care of our ego? Why do we need to suck somebody's energy as to feel good? Why do we need to stare inside of other people, than to find our innerself? Yes, we are group animals but individualism could do miracles for the self confidence...then self confidence can do miracles for people's relationships, because there will be satisfaction of one's needs and there will be no competition or energy sucking or looking for approval.
I am speaking from experience, dear readers...as an artist I really need to pamper my ego in many different ways. I used to do it with food for my soul but somehow I missed people's approval. What did I do? Fucked up the development of my inner world and started to show around, meet people, go out...do you think I felt satisfied? No...not at all! Why? Because I still felt lonely and misunderstood, I was still missing myself, still missing my self confidence because people's approval is subjective and you cannot get it all. I would also say I was disappointed because I knew I could do better things for myself, make myself happy but not on this track...and to neglect what you really adore to do is hurting even more than being lonely.
So, dear readers, before going out to look for social communication, I suggest you to start communicating with yourself...just try to ask yourself what you want, what you like, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what is the best for you and what kind of person you wanna be...then, but just then, you can go out and start looking for soulmates because only then you will not end up hurt...
And one more advice...let it out! Whatever you feel...let it out!
Now sleep like a babies and wake up tomorrow fresh and not lonely! The world is yours, I promise!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The destiny of a creator...
Dear Readers,
It's been long time I didn't find any power to sit down and write my thoughts. I was scared to face myself and admit the truth that is eating my heart. I want to be a happy person...that's all. It's been one year since I started to transform myself in looking for happiness. Like if I change myself the world will accept me more. I want to explain to you something about artists...
Many people accept artists as egocentric people, too strange and too crazy to be true. Indeed, I can admit with two hands raised that being an artist is not an easy job. It's a gift but also a curse as well. Many of the creators, no matter which kind of art they are doing, are trully unusual personalities. How could be any different? The sensitivity of an artist is so much more fine and vibrating with every detail...such people are grabbing the life with two hands and admit no limits in imagination, way of life...Often they are chameleons and change themselves with the speed of the light. It's not easy to run from extreme to extreme, to explore everything, to be curious about the whole world...in this kind of situations people become outstanding, different from the common mass and of course...very very lonely.
Artists, dear readers, are like a bomb...you just need to push a button, to break a string in their souls and they will explode...it's really sad because the creators are the spice in this world, the ones who give the colour, the fun, the imagination...but who can run in such a fast beat, who can follow the next transformation, who can handle the next character, who can understand the next depressive mood? Nobody! And that's the drama of the creators...being alone, misunderstood, underestimated, blamed, joked...
It's been long time I didn't find any power to sit down and write my thoughts. I was scared to face myself and admit the truth that is eating my heart. I want to be a happy person...that's all. It's been one year since I started to transform myself in looking for happiness. Like if I change myself the world will accept me more. I want to explain to you something about artists...
Many people accept artists as egocentric people, too strange and too crazy to be true. Indeed, I can admit with two hands raised that being an artist is not an easy job. It's a gift but also a curse as well. Many of the creators, no matter which kind of art they are doing, are trully unusual personalities. How could be any different? The sensitivity of an artist is so much more fine and vibrating with every detail...such people are grabbing the life with two hands and admit no limits in imagination, way of life...Often they are chameleons and change themselves with the speed of the light. It's not easy to run from extreme to extreme, to explore everything, to be curious about the whole world...in this kind of situations people become outstanding, different from the common mass and of course...very very lonely.
Artists, dear readers, are like a bomb...you just need to push a button, to break a string in their souls and they will explode...it's really sad because the creators are the spice in this world, the ones who give the colour, the fun, the imagination...but who can run in such a fast beat, who can follow the next transformation, who can handle the next character, who can understand the next depressive mood? Nobody! And that's the drama of the creators...being alone, misunderstood, underestimated, blamed, joked...
Friday, August 27, 2010
The come back...
Dear Readers,
a lot of months passed before I sit down in front of the white sheet...like I was scared to do it. The white surface attracted me many times but it looked way much better without my thoughts on it.
I have to admit that I have passed through many emotions, through many changes, through a lot of pain, suffer, self regret with some accessories of happiness, satisfaction and passion. I have been thinking about myself as a computer with database instead of brain. Somehow I replaced my soul, my real freedom with the stupid files of life I have received from my childhood and the surrounding area.
For example, I have always been a nomad in my life...changing my location from time to time...running from place to place like this movement will make me feel better, will give me the inner peace I am striving for. Indeed, I've seen a lot of different places in the world but last time I went abroad I realized...a single place, a single person, a single posession can't give you the full happiness. Do you know what? Because it's all temporary...people die, places get ruined, money could be gone, food can be over and so what? One day you are on the peak...then you are so low that you can't even believe you're still alive. I have been trying to define happiness...I asked many people I met on my way and they all pointed material things as a symbol of happiness or a person to make them satisfied. C'mon...we are building our cage on moving sands! The only true meaning of happiness is to connect to your soul, to run with the wolves in your mentality, to find the true relationship with your spirit!
I admit, I have been soo addicted to material things, like shoes, clothes, cars...to my appearance, to people's approval, to people's admiration. And what did I get? Nothing...not that I didn't get what I wanted but I totally ruined my life for some months. I got abused of people, blamed, pointed like a fake person and so on...and why is that? Because I was trying to impress the world, to go here or there just to find myself. But dear readers, you're not living in any country for real! Your soul is endless, borderless...it's everywhere...like the sky, like the air we breathe...
Ok, I lost inertion of writing and I probably sound too crazy to most of you but you know what...I don't really care anymore. Better don't like me for who I am than like me for who I am NOT :)
a lot of months passed before I sit down in front of the white sheet...like I was scared to do it. The white surface attracted me many times but it looked way much better without my thoughts on it.
I have to admit that I have passed through many emotions, through many changes, through a lot of pain, suffer, self regret with some accessories of happiness, satisfaction and passion. I have been thinking about myself as a computer with database instead of brain. Somehow I replaced my soul, my real freedom with the stupid files of life I have received from my childhood and the surrounding area.
For example, I have always been a nomad in my life...changing my location from time to time...running from place to place like this movement will make me feel better, will give me the inner peace I am striving for. Indeed, I've seen a lot of different places in the world but last time I went abroad I realized...a single place, a single person, a single posession can't give you the full happiness. Do you know what? Because it's all temporary...people die, places get ruined, money could be gone, food can be over and so what? One day you are on the peak...then you are so low that you can't even believe you're still alive. I have been trying to define happiness...I asked many people I met on my way and they all pointed material things as a symbol of happiness or a person to make them satisfied. C'mon...we are building our cage on moving sands! The only true meaning of happiness is to connect to your soul, to run with the wolves in your mentality, to find the true relationship with your spirit!
I admit, I have been soo addicted to material things, like shoes, clothes, cars...to my appearance, to people's approval, to people's admiration. And what did I get? Nothing...not that I didn't get what I wanted but I totally ruined my life for some months. I got abused of people, blamed, pointed like a fake person and so on...and why is that? Because I was trying to impress the world, to go here or there just to find myself. But dear readers, you're not living in any country for real! Your soul is endless, borderless...it's everywhere...like the sky, like the air we breathe...
Ok, I lost inertion of writing and I probably sound too crazy to most of you but you know what...I don't really care anymore. Better don't like me for who I am than like me for who I am NOT :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The right direction...
Dear readers,
I haven't felt like writing recently because I was trying to convince myself in really controversial things. Or to be more specific...I was trying to get out of my character and live the life of a stranger! I have to admit that I have always believed so far that we could be whoever we want and change ourselves as much as we feel it's cool for us. I didn't really think that we must have a basic personality because it seemed to me like a stupid limit.
However, I realized that we were born with certain characters with a purpose. I believe there is a point to be this or that...we come here with some aim, with some vocation...mission if you want, so we have our genes, our personalities in the most propriate way to achieve our goals, to make our lives complete and worthy! Indeed, we can evolve, discover new things, even change our minds but only if we stop loosing ourselves...I think we have to keep up with our direction in life...Of course, we can try, we can push ourselves to extremes, we can ruin our walls but it doesn't mean that we have to forget who we really are! This is the biggest loss in life. And don't tell me you don't know who you are...you may feel attracted to the opposite character, you may think it is ten times better to be this or that but let me tell you something...the person, who posses this personality thinks the same about you for sure! We are just curious creatures and thanks God about it...so it is normal to be attracted by the unknown, to be dazzled by the lights of the others, to notice the small things! This is the core of the progress after all...to be curious, to strive for changes...
So, I respect the whole process of changing but I don't respect the chaos...not anymore...I have been there, you know, like trying to convince myself I am everything I am not. I can play the role but I cannot feel it, I cannot take it like my lifestyle...so, what's the point then? Of course I know who I am, you know who you are too! But we're avoiding ourselves because it will mean to take responsibility for our actions, for our lives...it is way much better to accuse the character you have entered for making you do this or do that! It is like a demon that posses your body...Look how convenient...a demon, someone from outside to take the guilt...And if there are no demons? If there are only bad choices and stupid decisions? If the problem is our fear to be great, to be what we came to this world to be? If we realize this we will have nobody to blame...such a pity! It is so much better to say that you are a victim!
Dear Readers, I have been there few hours ago and I spent some time in self pity, trying to fill the emptyness with partying, smoking, drinking. Trying to be whom I have never been...I didn't feel better! I missed my power, the inner feeling that I am able to do whatever I want. At a certain moment I tried to look for myself in the eyes of the other people. To live for their approval that never came because my attempts were too obvious and it gave them so much pleasure to torture me with disapproval...or maybe I just attracted the wrong energy on my way! In any case we should look for our reflection only in the mirror, and even there it is not sure I will find ourselves. Forget about other people's eyes...they cannot be your mirror! You are not there because you are much more than an image!
I am not saying to tell the world to fuck of...but stop giving yourself away to people who don't deserve even a piece of you! They are just the wrong companion for you!
I am sending kisses to all supporters and specially to a person, who helped me realize that I am loosing myself!
Sleep well dear readers and have fun with who you are!
I haven't felt like writing recently because I was trying to convince myself in really controversial things. Or to be more specific...I was trying to get out of my character and live the life of a stranger! I have to admit that I have always believed so far that we could be whoever we want and change ourselves as much as we feel it's cool for us. I didn't really think that we must have a basic personality because it seemed to me like a stupid limit.
However, I realized that we were born with certain characters with a purpose. I believe there is a point to be this or that...we come here with some aim, with some vocation...mission if you want, so we have our genes, our personalities in the most propriate way to achieve our goals, to make our lives complete and worthy! Indeed, we can evolve, discover new things, even change our minds but only if we stop loosing ourselves...I think we have to keep up with our direction in life...Of course, we can try, we can push ourselves to extremes, we can ruin our walls but it doesn't mean that we have to forget who we really are! This is the biggest loss in life. And don't tell me you don't know who you are...you may feel attracted to the opposite character, you may think it is ten times better to be this or that but let me tell you something...the person, who posses this personality thinks the same about you for sure! We are just curious creatures and thanks God about it...so it is normal to be attracted by the unknown, to be dazzled by the lights of the others, to notice the small things! This is the core of the progress after all...to be curious, to strive for changes...
So, I respect the whole process of changing but I don't respect the chaos...not anymore...I have been there, you know, like trying to convince myself I am everything I am not. I can play the role but I cannot feel it, I cannot take it like my lifestyle...so, what's the point then? Of course I know who I am, you know who you are too! But we're avoiding ourselves because it will mean to take responsibility for our actions, for our lives...it is way much better to accuse the character you have entered for making you do this or do that! It is like a demon that posses your body...Look how convenient...a demon, someone from outside to take the guilt...And if there are no demons? If there are only bad choices and stupid decisions? If the problem is our fear to be great, to be what we came to this world to be? If we realize this we will have nobody to blame...such a pity! It is so much better to say that you are a victim!
Dear Readers, I have been there few hours ago and I spent some time in self pity, trying to fill the emptyness with partying, smoking, drinking. Trying to be whom I have never been...I didn't feel better! I missed my power, the inner feeling that I am able to do whatever I want. At a certain moment I tried to look for myself in the eyes of the other people. To live for their approval that never came because my attempts were too obvious and it gave them so much pleasure to torture me with disapproval...or maybe I just attracted the wrong energy on my way! In any case we should look for our reflection only in the mirror, and even there it is not sure I will find ourselves. Forget about other people's eyes...they cannot be your mirror! You are not there because you are much more than an image!
I am not saying to tell the world to fuck of...but stop giving yourself away to people who don't deserve even a piece of you! They are just the wrong companion for you!
I am sending kisses to all supporters and specially to a person, who helped me realize that I am loosing myself!
Sleep well dear readers and have fun with who you are!
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