The right direction...

Dear readers,

I haven't felt like writing recently because I was trying to convince myself in really controversial things. Or to be more specific...I was trying to get out of my character and live the life of a stranger! I have to admit that I have always believed so far that we could be whoever we want and change ourselves as much as we feel it's cool for us. I didn't really think that we must have a basic personality because it seemed to me like a stupid limit.

However, I realized that we were born with certain characters with a purpose. I believe there is a point to be this or that...we come here with some aim, with some vocation...mission if you want, so we have our genes, our personalities in the most propriate way to achieve our goals, to make our lives complete and worthy! Indeed, we can evolve, discover new things, even change our minds but only if we stop loosing ourselves...I think we have to keep up with our direction in life...Of course, we can try, we can push ourselves to extremes, we can ruin our walls but it doesn't mean that we have to forget who we really are! This is the biggest loss in life. And don't tell me you don't know who you are...you may feel attracted to the opposite character, you may think it is ten times better to be this or that but let me tell you something...the person, who posses this personality thinks the same about you for sure! We are just curious creatures and thanks God about it...so it is normal to be attracted by the unknown, to be dazzled by the lights of the others, to notice the small things! This is the core of the progress after all...to be curious, to strive for changes...

So, I respect the whole process of changing but I don't respect the chaos...not anymore...I have been there, you know, like trying to convince myself I am everything I am not. I can play the role but I cannot feel it, I cannot take it like my lifestyle...so, what's the point then? Of course I know who I am, you know who you are too! But we're avoiding ourselves because it will mean to take responsibility for our actions, for our lives...it is way much better to accuse the character you have entered for making you do this or do that! It is like a demon that posses your body...Look how convenient...a demon, someone from outside to take the guilt...And if there are no demons? If there are only bad choices and stupid decisions? If the problem is our fear to be great, to be what we came to this world to be? If we realize this we will have nobody to blame...such a pity! It is so much better to say that you are a victim!

Dear Readers, I have been there few hours ago and I spent some time in self pity, trying to fill the emptyness with partying, smoking, drinking. Trying to be whom I have never been...I didn't feel better! I missed my power, the inner feeling that I am able to do whatever I want. At a certain moment I tried to look for myself in the eyes of the other people. To live for their approval that never came because my attempts were too obvious and it gave them so much pleasure to torture me with disapproval...or maybe I just attracted the wrong energy on my way! In any case we should look for our reflection only in the mirror, and even there it is not sure I will find ourselves. Forget about other people's eyes...they cannot be your mirror! You are not there because you are much more than an image!

I am not saying to tell the world to fuck of...but stop giving yourself away to people who don't deserve even a piece of you! They are just the wrong companion for you!

I am sending kisses to all supporters and specially to a person, who helped me realize that I am loosing myself!

Sleep well dear readers and have fun with who you are!