Loneliness...

Dear Readers,

Despite of the pain in my head, I cannot remove the feeling that I must share my thoughts...To be honest, I have been reading my old posts in order to follow up with myself and I couldn't stop thinking about loneliness. You know, the initial reason to start writing this blog at the first place was exactly experiencing of this irritationg emotion...

Loneliness is viewed in three important ways:
1. it results from inadequate levels of social relationships,
2. it is a subjective experience and
3. it is an unpleasant feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude^[1]. It has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections^[2]. Common terms used to describe loneliness include: pain, lost, nothingness, overwhelming, numb, and afraid^[3]

I couldn't believe there are so many ways of describing loneliness...but I must admit that it's strongly subjective experience. I have believed that I need nobody in my life to make me feel complete person but I haven't realised that I have never been lonely. Since I remember I have a sister around and I have never felt the need to get out and start looking for others. Sometimes, I have been in friendships and I enjoyed it but I have always known that all of it is temporary. I cannot explain to you the feeling of misunderstanding. Probably this one is the reason for the existing of loneliness. I cannot even think that bigger number of relationships will make anybody feel better if all of it is just bullshit or based on one-side interest. I have observed many people on my way and I have reached to the conclusion that if you are simple minded, you are better accepted in this world. Many people prefer to share their mental emptiness together but is this mutual understanding or group hiding of the reality? What will it be all about if there is nothing to say anymore? If there is no sharing or moving ahead? No wonder there are many times when people feel lonely in a huge group or at a party...

Dear readers, I have different kind of idea for friendship...I have always accepted it on more spiritual, sensitive level. Being together with somebody but sharing common ideas, common way of life, enriching each other's lives with new brain and soul food, exchanging experience, just being able to cry on somebody's shoulder even for stupid things. There should be any competition, any comparing...In this moment loneliness will disappear because there will be somebody who know you, who can read you...who will want to read you. Otherwise it's just an image of a relationship but not relationship at all...

And what about the loneliness of the ego? Why nobody is talking about it? Of course there is such thing...when people don't get enough attention to praise their ego, they feel lonely...or if they get the wrong kind of attention, or if they miss somebody's attention...this emptiness cannot be filled because it's like a drug...you want more and more and cannot even stop thinking of it. Then nothing can satisfy you except for more and more attention given by many different people. However, it's also not killing the loneliness, even makes it worse...do you know why? Because when you don't feel yourself a complete person, nobody can give you that feeling...it's all up to you...to find the inner peace. Then staying in the empty room won't be disturbing anymore because you will know how to hanfle the experience, you will not miss all of the people because you will have yourself... Loneliness is therefore a subjective experience, if a person thinks they are lonely, then she/he is lonely. (by the way this is one more proof that we're building our worlds).

Another type of loneliness I have observed is self-made loneliness. I have noticed that when somebody gets hurt by many people in different ways, this person is putting the walls around and never, ever let anybody in. Of course, it's just a mask, it's not a cure...but it's self protective method of not being disappointed again. Then the emptiness come again and again and it's a chanted circle...in the same time you want social communication but you cannot have it because you are afraid....it's too sadistic option to take care of yourself but c'mon...sometimes pain is funnier than happiness.

And these are only few examples of loneliness...I can count many many more...missing person and nobody can fill the place; being neglected for your nationality or race or sexual orientation or religion, being thrown away from somebody you love...so much examples to count...

However, doesn't it loneliness such a waste of time? Why, we humans, don't try to find the balance between us...to find the balance with our souls...to find other ways to raise and take care of our ego? Why do we need to suck somebody's energy as to feel good? Why do we need to stare inside of other people, than to find our innerself? Yes, we are group animals but individualism could do miracles for the self confidence...then self confidence can do miracles for people's relationships, because there will be satisfaction of one's needs and there will be no competition or energy sucking or looking for approval.

I am speaking from experience, dear readers...as an artist I really need to pamper my ego in many different ways. I used to do it with food for my soul but somehow I missed people's approval. What did I do? Fucked up the development of my inner world and started to show around, meet people, go out...do you think I felt satisfied? No...not at all! Why? Because I still felt lonely and misunderstood, I was still missing myself, still missing my self confidence because people's approval is subjective and you cannot get it all. I would also say I was disappointed because I knew I could do better things for myself, make myself happy but not on this track...and to neglect what you really adore to do is hurting even more than being lonely.

So, dear readers, before going out to look for social communication, I suggest you to start communicating with yourself...just try to ask yourself what you want, what you like, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what is the best for you and what kind of person you wanna be...then, but just then, you can go out and start looking for soulmates because only then you will not end up hurt...

And one more advice...let it out! Whatever you feel...let it out!
Now sleep like a babies and wake up tomorrow fresh and not lonely! The world is yours, I promise!