To the hell and back...

Dear Readers,

it's time to share with you one story...sometimes it is very crazy, sometimes it is very sad but it could help to some of you in some way in your lives.

I started this blog as a scream, scream against loneliness, scream of a confused soul...at the moment I first wrote my thoughts I didn't know who I am anymore and I felt terrible.

Some sudden moments in your life can change you completely or make you loose yourself. Bring you to lower level of mentality and soul. This happened to me and I want to share with you my story as I hope that it could touch your soul and open your eyes.

So, it happened one day in the cold February. I used to be very close with my sister as she was part of my life since I was born. I claimed I am very individual, loving to be alone as I never thought I can loose her and face the reality of being lonely. One day she just felt in love and she left...she went far far away from me and left me with the empty room. I didn't know what to do...I was dreaming about full freedom and independence but once I appeared to be completely alone I didn't know how to handle it. It was painful, in real. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to shout but I couldn't. At the very same time many other changes happened in my life: suicide of a friend, family troubles, breakup...and I was ruined, devastated. I lost control over my life completely!
At this moment I met one men. Since then, I was very closed person, distanced. After long, three years relationship I closed my heart for any datings for six years and when I opened it again, I got hurt, so I was swearing to myself never ever to enter in any kind of relationship. Of course, people are right to say "Never say never" but I realized this too late.
So, I met this men and I quickly started to fall in love with him. So quickly that I didn't even realize what happens. He was the opposite of me in many ways. If I was disciplined, organized and focused, he was on the contrary: a sweetly irresponsible, a little arrogant and too much self confident to keep any arrangement. However, I felt like I need a little fresh air in my settled and organized life, to keep out of focus for a while as I didn't even imagine that this could turn my life upside down.
We started to date, or to quote him "have fun". Honestly, having sex with somebody and talking about personal things is not my idea for having fun but I decided to step aside from what I have thought as normal and cross the borders that I was putting by myself. I was getting addicted to his world step by step because it was new, unknown, charming. I was filling the emptyness that my sister's departure opened in my heart and I didn't feel so lonely when we were together. Slowly, I started to change myself...first it was my wardrobe...from very elegant and classy it became more flirty and frivolous...I started to smoke, started to behave bad to people, to be arrogant a little. I was trying to enter his rhythm, to make him like me because I knew I am too far from the type of girls he got used to. Since then I wasn't fan of clubs too much but I started to go just because he was always busy with something, always unable to spend more than "one fuck" time with me and I was feeling even more lonely. I wanted him to see me as desired woman and realize that I am worthy person and I launched very dangerous game.
It passed one month and he changed his behaviour for a blink of an eye. He stopped calling, stopped communicating...so, I asked him directly what's going on and he spilled the truth into my face. He had something like a girlfriend, who is comming once in two or six months and now she is comming. Can you imagine how betrayed I felt, how used...how pathetic. Even now, my eyes are filling with tears when I remember. I lost any self confidence in this situation. At this moment he was the only one who was filling the emptyness in my heart and now I was loosing this last chance not to be alone. I was liking him, respecting him, and I really wanted to be together and just for some minutes phone call he rejected me and ruined my world. The night before her comming we were in one club, we didn't go together but we were in the same place. I was so desperate and so sad that I strongly didn't even think of what I am doing. On principle, I didn't drink at all because I am scared of throwing up and that night was not an exception. But I felt like I am very very drunk. I danced like a pornstar, I flirted with unknown guy in front of his eyes, I was acting like a real bitch but my heart was suffering. It was totally broken! However, I went back home alone and I cried, I cried so much...I hated myself, I hated him, I hated the whole world, I was so lonely that I wanted to die. This launched my new way of life. I cut my long hair, painted it blonde and I totally changed myself. I never stayed at home, I was everyday visiting bars, clubs, going for a long walks alone...I stopped drawing, I stopped reading, I stopped everything I used to do and used to love. I was so empty and so sad.
One week passed, and he called me...she was gone and he wanted to meet. Of course I was feeling like I am flying and I neglected all the pain. I ran to the meeting with butterflies in my stomach and I was feeling something like happiness. We got back together, of course only having fun. I cannot describe you how pathetic I was feeling to meet this person only in the nights, to hear everytime that he doesn't believe in love, to know that I am nothing else but entertainment. I started to make new friendships, all of them totally unuseful and empty but good for filling the time until the night. When the night was comming, I was again going to his home, or he was comming to mine and for some hours I believed that somebody care for me after all. It took me some months to collect my bravery and admit to him that I love him. I was scared to tell this because I thought he would reject me but I finally said it. The surprise came when he said that he loves me too...so far I was hearing that he likes me and if he believed in love he would even think that he loves me but now he admitted his feelings. And I felt so good, like I am able to fly. Of course our relationship didn't change too much. With this confession I felt myself even more responsible to justify his love. He was telling me many things he doesn't like in me and I was in a hurry to change these things, to be perfect, to make him happy, to give all of myself but to be with him. In the meantime I was loosing myself slowly. I was running from happiness to real sadness and I was feeling like beggar woman who is happy to take some little piece of the real happiness. I completely devoted myself to this relationship. Completely! I saved nothing from myself. Here is the moment to say that I cannot blame this man. I didn't judge right the situation and I threw myself in it without even thinking twice. I was so lonely and so much needed attention, love and recognition that I didn't even think about the consequences.
This self torture continued many months. In the meantime we were for a while far from each other but I was still under the influence of the relationship. I was waiting for his calls, his texts, our skype conversations. I didn't even realize in such a deep hole I am. I was all day spanding in fitness, a little empty and stupid work and waiting for any news from him. If I accidently don't get any news I was devastated and couldn't get up from the bed with months. In the meantime he met his so called girlfriend two times more and I survived horrible weeks of crying, sadness and pain. But I was forgiving again and again because of the fear to loose him. Yes, he was swearing that he is in love for the first time and I tend to believe this but it was bleeding love...hard love...difficult love. I guess he didn't know what to do in this situation, how to react. I was seeing his efforts to be in a relationship but he wasn't ready to get to know me, to understand me, to be my partner. And I was just trying to keep going, to become more and more perfect while putting myself under huge pressure. We started to meet more often, he was thinking of me as of his girlfriend but in every single moment I was feeling insecure. One wrong word, one wrong movement, one wrong decision and I was going to loose him again and be hurt. I didn't even realize that I am already hurting myself completely. I don't want to describe in details but we had many fights. Too much to be true. One time he even threw me away from his home because he wanted to be alone...This night I did very stupid thing...I hurted myself, I cut my hand until bleeding and I was loving the pain so much. I didn't see any meaning of life anymore. I felt too lonely, too miserable, too pathetic, too unuseful. However, in the next morning I called him again, apologized for everything I did and we were back together again. the same night I took drug for the first time in my life and I loved it. We kept on being together as I really wanted to do everything right and make him completely happy. I was trying always to be understanding, giving him his time to play computer games, meet his friends, smoke weed or whatever else he needed in this moment. I tried to be invisible when he is not in the mood, cheerful when he is happy, caring about everything in his life. I devoted myself to his happiness completely and it would be keep going if it wasn't a stupid rumour.
A friend of his friend told to his friend that another friend said he has fucked me. This started unstoppable questioning, lack of trust and even humiliation. No matter how much and hard I was swearing that I haven't cheated on him (as I really didn't) he didn't believe me at all. His friends were right, I was liar and a whore. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I hated myself, I believed I am a whore. In the meantime I went to psychologist and my diagnose was deep depression. I was supposed to take antidepressants and I got shocked. I tended to believe that I am a strong person and such thing cannot happen to me at all. But it was the fact. And how not to be...I was living for the moment of our meeting, making my schedules around it, neglecting friends and family for the sake of our relationship, always feeling guilty and no matter he was with me I was still feeling alone. I didn't have any kind of connection with myself, any! This "whore situation" ruined me completely and I needed something to get back on track again. So, I ran to the treasures of autohypnosis. During such seance I saw myself standing proud and strong again, dark haired (as my real colour) and very happy. On the next day I painted my hair. With the final accords of drying my hair in the salon I looked into the mirror and I saw myself again. The same strenght I used to have, the fire, the self confidence, the pride. In this day I somehow found the power to end this relationship. It costed me so much. I cried a lot, I felt lonely but I can never forget all of the pain...all of the tears...I cannot forget the person I turned into. I was just a doll, empty, blonde, sad doll. In my photos from this time I was looking so sad, so agressive, so different. No sign of my sensitivity, no sign of my creativity, no sign, no sign...
Now, I am getting back on track again and people around me say I am getting better, more energetic, more self confident, more powerful. Of course I cannot pass the fact that my bed is empty, that there is nobody to hug me but what a high price I paid to be loved...? Did I really need that? Was it the way to receive love and attention? How can I forget the loneliness I was feeling in the relationship, the fear, the pressure, the worries?
I cannot judge this man of course, I cannot judge anybody and I cannot blame anybody...Maybe he wasn't ready to show his love, maybe he was confused, maybe he was depressed, maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows...not me for sure...I have my own explanation for such a behaviour but I don't count myself as a victim. Do you know why?
Because nobody can hurt you unless you let them! You are the one who is choosing your way of life, you are the one who is able to create your reality, you are the one who can ruin yourself. You and only you! If you believe you can change people, don't be so sure...maybe a little, just a little but you cannot do it completely and for sure not in your way. So, keep straight on your path and keep on fighting for your happiness. Don't be with someone just because you need someone to love you! You don't need just SOMEONE! Take a doog, and you'll be loved...you don't need just a relationship...but a partnership with this person, friendship, understanding, trust, shoulder to cry on when you're sad.
As to me...now we are friends with this man and I hope as a friends we will be more successful than as a couple. I am trying to put myself together and face my past and get over it. I will not lie to you...it's hard, painful even but time heals everything...e v e r y t h i n g!
So, dear readers, that's the story! Hope it will be useful for you because that is why I am revealing my heart at this moment! Kisses to all of you and just follow your path! It's the best highway!