Disassociative...

Dear Readers,

Another day started with sun and all accessories of joy...I wonder why I can't feel it the way it looks like! I was getting ready for work and again I saw in the mirror the same person as yesterday! I think I don't know this girl at all...she looks like a fashion icon...she has no face but a mask...no body but advertising campaign...no eyes but sunglasses! She looks like a star but does she feel this way? Maybe a falling star...yes, why not! I can make all dreams come true...all wishes...I am a good saleswoman of realities and hope, so I guess I am a falling star! Use the chance to wish something...it may come true!

I was thinking if I am designed to fit to this world or I should try to make the world fit to me...

Anyway, it's just another day of fake smiles and polite conversations..."May I help you?", "Of course, it will be ready on time!". What a play! Can you imagine what will happen if I let myself out of this cage?

I was digging into my past...something like a painful surgery of what happened...the last time I felt this way was six years ago. It was a hard time for me. I lost everything with a blink of an eye. At the age of 18 I survived my first financial collapse. I put all of the family's savings in my business and I lost all of it! Can you imagine...? Not to mention that all of my friends left me because I seemed to be to serious and too distant while working 24 hours per day as to make the things work! The guy I thought I love also ran away...so, it was a difficult moment...Years later I was grateful for what happened because I believed it made me stronger and more mature! Actually, this event totally changed me! I became cold, really distant, rarely smiling and I was standing against the whole world! I didn't hate the humanity...I hated people...because everybody left when I was suffering...they were there in my moments of happiness, fame, when I was strong! I spent 6 years in acting like a soldier...always the strategy in my mind, always chasing certain way of life, always serious, always strong, always business...nothing else...just my interests and the opportunities...Somebody told me once I am like a machine...

Then...at the moment I wanted to change this, to bring back the joy in my life, when I was opening my eyes for the world, when I wanted to give myself to people, to love them, to trust them...in this moment I got hurt again! I was stupid to believe in promises..."Once you are with me, I will never let you go"..."You're amazing, you know that"..."You're trying to take care of the world, let me take care of you, this is all I want"! Sounds beautiful, no? Or fake? I guess it depends on the point of view...at a certain moment all of this gave me wings, made me think I was wrong to be a bitch..."I am sorry, darling, this is too much!"...this is what happened in the end! So, which is real then? Angel or demon? Hate or love? The line between these terms is too thin, don't you think?

I am sorry, dear readers, suddenly I lost any interest of writing...I don't feel like this is helping me anymore! Maybe I don't need a therapy, maybe I need to get back to what I was and stop trying to change the world...it's too optimistic to be done and I have too much darkness in me, as to be able to fight with it! Or I don't have any desire to fight? Whatever...this happens when you think too much, when you have knowledge, when you are responsible, when you observe, when you can catch the details...and it is not funny at all, believe me!

Anyway, have a nice fake day! I am sure you can also smile without feeling this way...we all have to use our mask as to survive in this strange world, no?