Bad girl...good girl? Which one is the right choice?

Dear Readers,

I am supposed to be working at the moment but the thoughts are threatening to explode in my still sleeping mind! I spent all night out, trying to break my head (but mostly breaking my heart)...However, my attempts to fill the emptyness got no result! I mean...ok, it is wonderful to take part in a car race, to win, to kick somebody's ass...it's giving you feeling of power and everything but in the end I still felt empty inside.

Anyway, what I was thinking about is the impact of people over our choices in life. On principle I am a good person...I have always been strict and responsible but there are certain people in my life who just make me turn to the other side. It is strange how your broken heart makes you do wild things, make you forget everything (including your principles). I know I have this wild side in my personality but I usually keep it hidden from the world...you know, we have to pretend sometimes to be grown ups :) However, when somebody pushes you to the edge you suddenly realize that all of this shit is enough and you need to run away from what you have been so far. Same with me...you know, I have never smoked in my life (just didn't find it necessary)...now, I am about to start smoking because all of a sudden I find it beautiful and attractive...I have always protected my heart and believed that there is no sex but making love...now, I am throwing myself into empty relationships just to have fun...and soooo on...

You see...there is a very thin line between angel and demon...Now I understand what people mean by "to hell with good intentions". I know that the person, who pushed me so far hasn't meant that but do you see how irresponsible is to give promises without being able to keep them. Hm, I sound like a some kind of judge...no, not at all...I am just thinking about changes and about people's impact over us. I guess I just needed love...or to be more specific...I was looking for a substitute of a certain person that I threated like shit years ago. Now I guess I got what I deserved. But the strange thing is that I have survived numerous crashes in my life (including financial break at the age of 18) and I have never changed myself this way. I have always kept up with the direction...now I am staying on a fucking crossroad, facing a huge choice in my life and I have no idea which one to take...the old one that I know for years or the new one...the wild one...the unpredictable one...

I cannot even recognize myself...just one week ago I knew who I am exactly, then just with a blink of an eye I am totally new...new haircut, new clothing style, drinking, dating...it would be terribly nice to be changed if I didn't still feel the emptyness in my heart. You know, if I even get home and sleep in my bed...I don't feel great in the end of the day...then I switch my mood with the speed of the light and I feel strong again, strong enough to break my heart in pieces with the next stupid relationship...

Dear Readers, I cannot keep on writing because I sound like a person who is out of her mind...which is true by the way! My head is pumping and I see everything in red, so I guess I should try to bring myself back to a normal state of health...(haha, who said this...since I was a kid, I am always this way - on the edge of some sickness, which usually push me to the edge of death). Anyway, in order not to knock on the heaven's doors soon, I think I should leave you now...!

Kisses!