The right direction...

Dear readers,

I haven't felt like writing recently because I was trying to convince myself in really controversial things. Or to be more specific...I was trying to get out of my character and live the life of a stranger! I have to admit that I have always believed so far that we could be whoever we want and change ourselves as much as we feel it's cool for us. I didn't really think that we must have a basic personality because it seemed to me like a stupid limit.

However, I realized that we were born with certain characters with a purpose. I believe there is a point to be this or that...we come here with some aim, with some vocation...mission if you want, so we have our genes, our personalities in the most propriate way to achieve our goals, to make our lives complete and worthy! Indeed, we can evolve, discover new things, even change our minds but only if we stop loosing ourselves...I think we have to keep up with our direction in life...Of course, we can try, we can push ourselves to extremes, we can ruin our walls but it doesn't mean that we have to forget who we really are! This is the biggest loss in life. And don't tell me you don't know who you are...you may feel attracted to the opposite character, you may think it is ten times better to be this or that but let me tell you something...the person, who posses this personality thinks the same about you for sure! We are just curious creatures and thanks God about it...so it is normal to be attracted by the unknown, to be dazzled by the lights of the others, to notice the small things! This is the core of the progress after all...to be curious, to strive for changes...

So, I respect the whole process of changing but I don't respect the chaos...not anymore...I have been there, you know, like trying to convince myself I am everything I am not. I can play the role but I cannot feel it, I cannot take it like my lifestyle...so, what's the point then? Of course I know who I am, you know who you are too! But we're avoiding ourselves because it will mean to take responsibility for our actions, for our lives...it is way much better to accuse the character you have entered for making you do this or do that! It is like a demon that posses your body...Look how convenient...a demon, someone from outside to take the guilt...And if there are no demons? If there are only bad choices and stupid decisions? If the problem is our fear to be great, to be what we came to this world to be? If we realize this we will have nobody to blame...such a pity! It is so much better to say that you are a victim!

Dear Readers, I have been there few hours ago and I spent some time in self pity, trying to fill the emptyness with partying, smoking, drinking. Trying to be whom I have never been...I didn't feel better! I missed my power, the inner feeling that I am able to do whatever I want. At a certain moment I tried to look for myself in the eyes of the other people. To live for their approval that never came because my attempts were too obvious and it gave them so much pleasure to torture me with disapproval...or maybe I just attracted the wrong energy on my way! In any case we should look for our reflection only in the mirror, and even there it is not sure I will find ourselves. Forget about other people's eyes...they cannot be your mirror! You are not there because you are much more than an image!

I am not saying to tell the world to fuck of...but stop giving yourself away to people who don't deserve even a piece of you! They are just the wrong companion for you!

I am sending kisses to all supporters and specially to a person, who helped me realize that I am loosing myself!

Sleep well dear readers and have fun with who you are!

Beautiful Day...

Dear Readers,

I didn't expect to say that but I think I already enjoy the world...you know, I have been thinking so much, starring at myself, digging inside, looking for the truth! I have to admit that I have been denying for a long time that I am not the bitch I pretend to be! I have been trying to fill my emptyness with adrenaline, with pain, with the behaviour of a victim, with relationships but I discovered that this is not the way! I have the full power to be everything I need and I want to be and the one and only who can stop me is me! I know some of you believe that there is a path, or there is someone to judge you, or there is some rules but I have to tell you that the only rules you should trust on is your own rules! Forget about all the phrases you have heard, forget all about the limits you have been put into...just look inside and say "hello" to the real you!

I needed to try even stupid things, to push myself to extremes as to get back to the truth I have always known...I need nothing, no substances, no people, to enjoy life! Yes, I have to admit and open my heart...I would be happy to find somebody to love, somebody who can be my partner, not just boyfriend or lover but not in the way I was thinking before about this. I don't need this person's energy or sucking his life, or getting all of his attention! I just need to look in the same direction, to share ideas, to share beauty! I am tired of hating the world, of being disappointed, of being sad! I know it is kind of utopia to believe that I will be in the same mood all of the time...I know I can hear a sad song, or remember a beautiful sunset, or whatever and get sad again...get angry that I am not as happy as I believe I should be! However, I am sick of loosing chances just because I have to judge the world, just because I have to accuse people for not making me happy!Just imagine...it's stupid to think that the whole world made a conference to make the decision to make somebody miserable...it's a question of choice...if you will see the light or if you will see the darkness...it all depends on you and nobody else!

Dear Readers, I will leave you to think about happiness this time...don't take yourself too seriously...it doesn't help at all! Kisses to all happy people!

What's behind...

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since my last post. I wish I could say that something wonderful happened but I cannot lie this way…Actually, I can lie but there is no point to do it!

The world is exactly the same as it used to be, maybe I am just a little bit different…

I am still thinking about the beauty and the point of being beautiful…don’t you think it is the most unnecessary thing in this world? What of the fact that everybody say I am beautiful? What of the fact that everybody say I am sexy? What of the fact that everybody think I am extraordinary? What is the benefit of all of this? I feel like I am an entertainer…just giving wonderful time to everybody, giving part and part of myself…thinking that I am having fun, thinking that I can take it, thinking that I enjoy to be temporarily adored…It could be fun but it is painful as well. I used to feel this way since I was a kid…People always coming and going and I always believe it is my fault. I always think that I am not perfect enough and if I have done this or that, everything would be different!

Believe me, dear readers…there is no right way of living…you are always in a mistake, especially when you were born to be different! The destiny of the artist is just to be an entertainer, nothing more. You know…show must go on…my make up maybe fake but I will keep on smiling. Finding the power to create enjoyable reality, finding the power to convince people that everything is okay. If you just think about it you will understand that I am right…there is almost no artist in this world, who has ever been happy! Maybe for a certain moment…maybe for a blink of an eye…but not more than this! To see the details, to be sensitive, to be unusual…it could be a gift, but it is more like a curse! And beauty…it is a curse as well. I have been observing the couples on the street! Do you know what I noticed…if the woman is not beautiful or charming, she has a partner, she is loved, adored, she has received flowers. Otherwise, the woman collects all eyes, even the men in the couples are watching at her but she is alone. Maybe she looks like a model, maybe she is just gorgeous but what is for sure is that she is alone. She walks on the street proud with herself but nobody knows that behind the polite smile, the noble gestures, there is only pain. She will go home, open the door and find the empty place again and again. Maybe sometimes she will go home with somebody, she will spend a week, or some nights with a man, who swears in pure love, who adores her, who promises that he will never leave…But in the end everybody leaves…of course, the beautiful woman will hear that he will never forget her, he will never meet someone like her, she is unique and he is sure that she will be happy…but she has heard this so many times that she cannot even count it anymore. The worst part is that nobody can change this…nobody and nothing! No drugs, no drinking, nothing…she feels the emptiness no matter what! No matter guys, no matter adrenaline, no matter, no matter, no matter!

So, dear readers, beauty has been created to be consumed, to be sucked, to be used and to be forgotten. And perfection…it’s just an illusion because there is no right answer…and there is no right answer because you cannot fit everywhere. You just have your shape, you are designed to be something and no matter how hard you try you cannot change this. You can force yourself, push yourself to extremes but where the hell is the satisfaction? Nowhere!

Anyway…the best thing in this life is that it will come to its end and our souls will keep on their adventures in other shapes and closed in other limits! Indeed, I have been too optimistic when I came to this world, like I have been thinking I can change the whole human kind…but this is me…the only thing I can hope for is that the next time I have to choose my material expression, I won’t be that optimistic but more egoistic!

Have fun today, dear readers! And don’t forget to consume as much beauty as you can!